10 signs you’re in a toxic, one-sided friendship

She’s charismatic and charming, and she makes you feel like the most important person in her life. It can’t possibly be a toxic friendship… or is it? Chances are, you might not even know it until the friendship is over and you’ve had some emotional distance. Even harder to detect are one-sided friendships, where you often don’t realise until later that you were pulling the weight by yourself.

My novel, The Girls Are All So Nice Here, is centred on a toxic female friendship and the expectations within it – demands that wield devastating consequences. Here are some signs that your friendship might not be emotionally healthy – watch out for these red flags.

1. You’re putting in all the effort

Are you the one always calling and suggesting plans? Do you sometimes feel like if you didn’t initiate, you’d never hear from her at all? Chances are, your friendship might be unbalanced.

2. She’s only there in good times

She’s happy to do light, entertaining things with you—go shopping, watch movies, gossip, go to parties. But when you’re having a bad day and need emotional support, she’s suddenly nowhere to be found. As soon as things stop being fun, expect her to bail.

3. You can’t relax around her

The more time you spend with her, the more she makes it clear that she likes you a certain way, leaving you in a state of stressed-out limbo where you can’t fully be yourself. She doles out flattery and puts you on a pedestal, which makes you feel great—until you realise exactly how far it is to fall.

4. You’re expected to do everything she wants

Everything is all about her. Your plans are always on her terms, and if you don’t do what she wants, she makes sure you’re punished accordingly, either by giving you an icy silent treatment, withholding an invitation to a party, or by talking about you to other friends.

5. She never shares the spotlight

Her drama takes centre stage, and she doesn’t like to share the attention. She gets pouty and agitated any time someone’s focus drifts away from her, or when you have something in your life that isn’t about her—especially if it’s something she wants for herself.

6. She keeps score

In her head is a running tally of times you’ve let her down, which she won’t hesitate to break out any time you do something she doesn’t like. If you want to bail early on a party and she isn’t ready, expect a passive-aggressive guilt trip—or even thinly veiled threats about finding other friends.

7. You’re forced to choose

She wants to be at the forefront of your universe, so if anything competes with her for your attention, she doesn’t like it. Subtly, she’ll make you decide between her or other things that are important to you, forcing you to choose your allegiance.

8. There’s always a common enemy

She loves to gossip, and your friendship might seem more solid when there’s someone on the outskirts of it. Exclusion is her superpower, another tactic she uses to make you feel lucky and valued to be in her inner circle. Remember: if she’s talking behind other people’s backs, she’s probably doing the same to you.

9. She’s hot and cold

You never know which version of her you’re going to get. If she’s happy with you, you’ll be showered in compliments and attention, but if things aren’t going her way, you’ll be the likely recipient of snarky comments or the cold shoulder.

10. She wants you to change

When you’re around her, you never feel quite good enough. She has a way of making you feel like who you are isn’t adequate, but could be with a few personality tweaks. The bar keeps getting higher, and to gain her approval, you might find yourself acting in ways that don’t feel natural to you. She wants you to change — and that means becoming more like her.

Toxic friendship – an expert explains

GLAMOUR spoke to life coach Michelle Elman about toxic friendships and how to deal with them.

How can you identify a toxic friendship? What are the key red flags?

“A friendship can become unhealthy when you notice that you feel bad about yourself or drained when you leave the person. The main things to notice is how you feel in their presence and how you feel once you leave them. In general, notice whether the bad things in your relationship are outweighed by the good. In particular, notice how they respond to both good news and bad. If someone picks apart your good news or makes you feel bad about it, I would question that relationship. Similarly, if someone only wants to be there for the good, and makes you feel shame or guilt for discussing anything that isn’t positive then that is just a fair weather friend. It is OK to have different friends for different purposes, sometimes it’s nice to have friends who are just your party friends but it’s important that you know that’s what they are so that you don’t trust them with valuable information. Everyone’s values in friendship will be different but one of the key tenants of friendship for most people is trust and loyalty. The red flags for this is if you tell them something, can you trust them to keep it confidential and if they were in a room without you, would they talk badly behind your back?”

If you think you are experiencing toxic behaviour from a friend, what is the best thing to do? Are there ways of fixing it?

“There are absolutely ways to fix it. Set a boundary around the behaviour so if your friend comments on your weight, for example, ask them to stop and tell them if they continue to talk about your weight you will end the conversation. Give them the opportunity to change and understand change might not happen instantly and you might have to reinforce the boundary.”

At what point is it appropriate to walk away from a friendship?

“If your boundary continues to be disrespected then that’s when I would question whether that person deserves a spot in my life because if you don’t respect your boundary, you don’t respect me. Everyone will have their own dealbreakers. For me, it’s once the trust is broken. If I find out you were talking about me behind my back, it’s hard to believe you won’t do that again and it undermines the friendship because it also means you didn’t have enough trust and respect to say it to my face.”

Should we also be assessing our own behaviour within our friendships? 

“Absolutely! Before asking for your needs to be met by your friends, you should ask yourself if you need to be meeting your own needs. We live in a busy world and therefore we cannot take silence or slow replies personally. You should be meeting your own needs first and then if you need support, then going to your friends. Secondly, if there is an issue, then I would ask yourself have you told your friend the problem directly and set the boundary with them directly. If you don’t tell your friend there is a problem and you are waiting for them to guess there is an issue, you are not giving them the benefit of the doubt and if you have chosen them as a friend, then they deserve that. We can’t expect good communication from others if we are not willing to have the hard conversations ourselves.”

What do you define as a good friend?

“A good friend will differ depending the person and time of the year. We have to accept we all go through phases where being a ‘good friend’ won’t be the top of our priority list. Maybe our health is coming first or our work and that’s OK. We are all allowed to have different priorities and they are all allowed to shift and change according to your needs. My criteria for a good friend is that they show up when counts, they love and care about me and they demonstrate it through their behaviour. A friend is someone who when I tell them there is an issue, will care and then work to resolve it together and someone who I feel safe enough with the communicate directly with when there is an issue. This is why it’s important to have a large support system because no one friend can be there for you in all moments of your life at all times. Sometimes they will have the capacity to help and sometimes they won’t.”

Laurie Elizabeth Flynn is the author of the toxic friendship thriller The Girls Are All So Nice Here.