Going through a breakup is never fun, and neither is getting over your ex. No matter how the relationship ended, it can be tough to let go and move on. Maybe the split was super messy and the bad vibes are still lingering, or maybe you ended things on fairly good terms, but you can’t stop thinking about the memories you had together. (Or you keep seeing their pics on Instagram and are strongly considering throwing your phone off a cliff.) Figuring out how to stop thinking about someone can be a long, lonely, and emotional process—but it’s a common experience, and you’re definitely not alone.
Michele Leno, PhD, a licensed psychologist at DML Psychological Services, says that letting go of the past can be tricky because our brains don’t always process love in a logical way. “Breakups are never easy, and even if you’re the one who called it quits, your ex can still occupy space in your mind thanks to our limbic system, or ‘emotional’ brain,” she explains. Even if you understand the rational reason why you broke up, your body can still hold onto past memories. “In cases of breakups, ‘out of sight’ is not ‘out of mind,’” Leno says.
So, how do you stop thinking about an ex? Should you block them on social media and call it a day? Hook up with someone else as a distraction? Cry into a pint of ice cream and watch rom-coms for a few weeks? *Sigh.* To help ease your post-breakup blues, we asked licensed therapists and relationship experts for their best advice.
1.Give yourself time to heal.
As cliché as it sounds, getting over your ex doesn’t happen overnight, and you shouldn’t expect it to. This is especially true if you were in a long-term relationship—after all, they were part of your life for a while, right? Moving on after a breakup can take time, so don’t be afraid to take things slow during your healing process.
“It’s healthy to spend some time after a breakup experiencing a lot of thoughts about the relationship and your ex,” says trauma-informed therapist Angela Amias, LCSW, co-founder of Alchemy of Love. “The more you give yourself time and space to do this, the easier it’s going to be to move forward in your life and into future relationships.”
2. Practice self-compassion.
If you’re having trouble moving on, Alison McKleroy, LMFT, a licensed therapist, founder of Center for Spark, and author of The Self-Compassion Journal, recommends being kind and patient with yourself, just like you would with a friend. “When we’re having a tough time, it can be life-changing to bring self-compassion to the way you talk to yourself,” she says. “What encouragement and kind words would you offer your best friend who was having a hard time getting over her ex? Now, say those things to yourself. You, as much as anyone else, deserve compassion, understanding and kindness.”
Instead of being hard on yourself for thinking about your ex (which is expected, BTW!), try repeating some phrases like “You’ll get through this,” or “It’s okay to feel this way.” Studies have shown that self-compassion can boost your well-being, especially during times of suffering. Plus, getting over your ex will be a lot easier in the long run if you can be gentle with your emotions during the process.
3. Remember, there were not-so-good times, too!
When reflecting on a past relationship, it’s easy to remember only the good times—but hindsight isn’t always accurate, McKleroy says. “When we’re feeling nostalgic, it’s easy to look back on our relationships with a positive lens. But it can be helpful to remind yourself that there were parts of the relationship that didn’t fulfill your important needs.”
For example, maybe your partner wasn’t particularly reliable, consistent, or they weren’t always considerate of your feelings. Or, maybe there were red flags that you ignored. When you’re trying to get over someone, it can help to “zoom out” and recognize the whole picture of the relationship instead of just focusing on your ex’s positive attributes. That way you’re assessing the reality of the situation, and not just the perfect image you had of them.
4. Use the breakup as an opportunity to grow.
Going through a breakup isn’t fun, but as much as we hate to admit it, it can be a valuable learning experience that also helps inform our future relationships. “Breakups are hard, but we can use them as an opportunity to grow,” McKleroy says. “In a journal, write down all the things you learned from the relationship. What did you learn about yourself? Write down how you will use this information to approach things differently in your next relationship.”
Maybe things didn’t go so well with your ex, and you want things to be different with your next partner. Instead of judging what went wrong, McKleroy suggests simply using it as data to inform your next relationship (and ensure that your personal needs are met). “Write down a list of the needs that were not met in the relationship and circle the ones that are non-negotiable next time,” she recommends.
5. Lean on your community.
Breaking up with someone can feel v lonely. When you’re going through it, your impulse may be to curl up on the couch solo, wallow in your feelings, and not respond to your group chat’s constant texts asking, “Are you okay?! ????” Although solo time can be helpful sometimes, Leno says to be wary of isolating yourself during this tough time.
“Don’t isolate or withdraw socially,” she says. “Naturally, we want to fill the void that a breakup leaves behind. Reconnecting with friends reduces that feeling of loneliness that we have following a breakup—the mere presence of your community can make you feel loved and supported.” Leno recommends calling a friend you haven’t seen in a while or attending social events where you can meet new people. “It’s less about distracting yourself and more about appreciating life as it is right now,” she says.
Whether it’s an IRL coffee date or even a brief video chat, connecting with people you care about can be the perfect medicine to help you get perspective on your situation (or even just vent over margaritas).
6. Distract yourself so you’re literally too busy to even think about them.
This is maybe the most obvious one, but it’s true: One of the best ways to stop thinking about someone is to take that energy and redirect it into creating something new.
According to Leno, getting over someone can become easier when you find and engage in activities you love. “Find the thing that works for you and let it be your therapy,” she recommends. “I love hot yoga because it makes me feel emotionally and physically healthy. Marathon-watching a TV series can help ease tension. Or, take a vacation—it may be big or small, but a brief change in environment will give you the space to think without constant reminders of your ex. This is your time to create new memories.”
7. Establish some boundaries.
It’s not always easy to control where your mind goes, but setting boundaries with your ex after a breakup can help.
“Early on in the breakup phase, make it very clear what you need and don’t need from your ex in order to make moving forward more bearable,” says dating expert Vanessa Russell, a writer for Women’s Health Interactive.“Let them know that you don’t want them to call/text or under what circumstances it’s okay to reach out.”
She says that it can also be helpful to figure out how to break the news to other mutual friends or close family, especially if you’ve been together for a while. “Doing so will keep you on the same page, and if they hold up their end of the deal and vice-versa, it will make them gradually fade from your mind and give you the time you need to heal and grow,” she confirms.
8. Give yourself some time to feel sad, or mad, or angry, or literally whatever.
You might be tempted to hold it all in and keep it together, but licensed therapist Oddesty K Langham, LPC, suggests you do the opposite. “It’s important to allow yourself to feel the feelings associated with a breakup or disconnect with another person,” Langham says. “We should always acknowledge our feelings and grieve, if necessary, in a healthy and safe way. We should then begin to let it go, meaning continuing on with our life and going after the desires we have.”
Once you’ve allowed yourself to fully feel all the things, you might find that you have nothing left to replay in your head. “Healing is a process…we need to feel our feelings and express them,” Leno adds. “It’s normal to cry and feel sad or happy. Give your heart the attention that it needs and it will heal.”
9. Understand that you may still have lingering feelings for this person, and that’s okay.
While it would be ideal to just stop caring for your ex as soon as you break up, that’s not always how human emotions work. Clinical psychologist and relationship advisor to Online For Love, Brenda Wade, PhD, says that it’s okay to still love your ex.
“Love is the greatest gift in life, and if love comes into your life, it’s never wrong. But what needs to be understood is that sometimes love isn’t enough to make a relationship work,” she says. “But moving on from a relationship doesn’t always have to mean that the love you feel ends. Sometimes the only way to let go is to love someone enough to want the best for them, even if that means not being together.”
10. Indulge in alllll the self care.
If you’re looking for a more new-age remedy, Vaishali Nikhade, a psychic whose readings focus mostly on relationships, suggests a healing potion for the heartbroken mind: “Soak yourself in a bathtub filled with water and epsom salt to relax and rejuvenate,” she says. This should help to “clear out all the unwanted thoughts, feelings, and energies that you are not letting go of.”
Afterward, you’ll find yourself feeling less heavy (and hopefully less stressed about your ex), she confirms. You can also try all the other fun self-care things like a massage, new skin care routine, or bubble bath.
11. In some cases, you may need to find your form of “closure.”
TBH, 99.99 percent of the time, closure is a made-up concept that probably won’t bring you true peace. Unfortunately, sometimes nothing your ex can say is going to make you feel better. If anything, trying to find closure can delay your healing process even further.
But, that said, “sometimes we can’t stop thinking about someone because there are unresolved issues and things we need to say to them,” says Acamea Deadwiler, author of Single That: Dispelling the Top 10 Myths of the Single Woman.
Write a long letter to your ex about how you feel, why you’re hurt, what you wanted from them, etc. without ever sending it. Sometimes just getting it all out on paper as if you’re actually talking to this person will be what you need. It may also be helpful to talk to a counselor or therapist to help break down the problems with a licensed professional instead of your ex.
But if you genuinely feel the need to talk to your ex again and unpack the breakup a bit further, Deadwiler says it may be helpful to talk with them. And if you know it will give you a clearer conscience and an unburdened heart, it could be worth it.
12. Reconnect with yourself.
It’s easy to get so swept up in trying to avoid thinking about your ex that you forget to think about yourself. But really, giving yourself the same attention you would have otherwise given them may help clear your mind.
“Grab your calendar or planner and make a list of things you enjoy doing either alone or with friends and family,” says certified relationship expert K.S. Lewis. “Start at the top and actually ‘make a date’ with yourself to do each and every item. This is a great time to try out a new restaurant, binge watch your favorite show, enjoy a spa day, or try an online cooking class.” Before you know it, you’ll be too busy enjoying your you-time to even think about you-know-who.
13. Journal about the breakup.
For some, writing can be key to getting rid of the things inside of your head. And if you want to empty yourself of certain thoughts, pouring them out onto paper can really help.
“Turn on some great music, pour a glass of your favorite wine, and put pen to paper. Once you begin to permit yourself to acknowledge the thought, feel the thought, and write it down, it is amazing how much better you feel,” says matchmaker Jaida Pervis.
And if you’re not exactly the “writing” type, jotting thoughts down in your Notes tab is just as effective.
14. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get over the breakup quickly.
“Getting over someone who has been a part of every facet of your life can be difficult regardless of your relationship’s duration,” says clinical sexologist Rachel Sommer, PhD, co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide. “So, give yourself time to grieve without putting time limits, have someone else on speed dial, and shift your focus to self-care and individual betterment.”
If you focus too much on why it’s taking so long to stop thinking about someone, you’ll only think about them more.
15. Remove the things in your life that remind you of them.
If you want to stop thinking about someone, consider putting some space between you and the things that remind you of them. “Our thoughts are generated by triggers that remind us of an actual experience, individual, previous event,” says psychotherapist Nicholas Hardy, LCSW. (This can be a restaurant, a certain gym, clothes, gifts, etc.) “Regardless, being intentional about separating yourself from ongoing reminders is extremely vital when it comes to not thinking about someone.”
We’re not saying you should avoid your favorite restaurant because you used to go there with your ex. But if you’re still driving by their gym around the same time they go every day, trust us: You’ll feel better if you don’t.
If you’re trying to stop thinking about someone, know that the path isn’t always easy—but eventually, you’ll get over your ex and be able to move on to happier, healthier thoughts. Take a deep breath, feel your feelings, and don’t be afraid to ask for support. You’ve got this!
Freelance Writer
Tianna Soto is a writer, editor, and professional speaker based in New York City. Her writing on relationships, sex, and wellness has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Elite Daily, MindBodyGreen, and more. When she’s not writing, you can find her traveling, singing, and speaking with audiences about mental health.
Syeda is a writer for Cosmopolitan who likes to analyze and improve the way we look at sex as a way to topple the patriarchy. She also writes for Bustle.com, Muslim Girl, and Muslim.co. You can follow her on Twitter here and Instagram here.
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