43 Thoughts I Had Watching ‘Single All the Way’

It’s no secret that I’m a fan of the queer Christmas rom-com, a genre we desperately need to expand on. (Because, no offense to Happiest Season, but can we get some noncloseted stories in the mix? Not every gay person has a deep, dark secret—though, TBH, many of us do.) So without further ado, here’s every thought I had while watching Netflix’s newest queer rom-com, Single All the Way.

1. Shirtless hunks are posing in Santa hats, and Michael Urie, who you might remember from Ugly Betty (or at least, I definitely do), is doing passive-aggressive gay banter with his colleagues on set.
2. Michael Urie has been dating someone for “three months and 22 days,” which is apparently a record.
3. L.A., I miss you!
4. Okay, the most realistic part of this movie so far is how many plants Michael Urie has in his apartment. Queers do love plants, not to generalize (and I’m proudly bucking trends by being unsure how to keep my pothos from dying).
5. A shot of a candy cane martini actually makes me gag, but I still kind of want it.
6. Aw, Michael Urie has a cute best friend named Nick, whom he’s known for nine years and who is his designated holiday-party date. I smell romance.
7. Michael Urie’s hot cardiologist boyfriend surprises him by showing up, and Michael Urie invites him home for the holidays, but now I smell imminent disaster. I have a very fine nose for gay distress.
8. Oh no, Michael Urie’s cute family is all excited to meet his boyfriend. Doom. Doom!
9. Nick is a TaskRabbit, and I’m being given extreme “TaskRabbit paid for this promotional consideration” vibes.
10. Oh shit, Michael Urie’s hot cardiologist boyfriend is married! To a woman! And they’re Nick’s TaskRabbit clients!
11. Michael Urie decides to bring Nick home for the holidays to pose as his fake boyfriend. What could go wrong?
12. OMG, Michael Urie’s mom is Kathy freaking Najimy. This movie is perfect.
13. Michael Urie rejects a blind date in his hometown and makes the important point to his mom that you don’t need to set up two gay people just because they’re both gay. True.
14. Kathy Najimy’s blowout looks fantastic.
15. Michael Urie’s dad thinks HGTV stands for Homosexual Gay TV Network, which, LOL.
16. Aw, Michael Urie’s cute sisters show up with their equally cute families. One of them just wants to party in WeHo with the boys!
17. I have to say, the accepting nature of this family is genuinely really refreshing. I didn’t think I could make it through another two hours of closet-dom.
18. JENNIFER COOLIDGE. Sorry, I have nothing else to say, because my brain shut down at her presence onscreen.
19. Obligatory Grindr reference.
20. Kathy Najimy has insisted on a fake tree, which brings back memories of fighting with my mom about the fake-versus-real tree issue. I have now been converted to her side and am sitting mere feet away from my own pink fake Christmas tree, which I adore.
21. Spin class time! Michael Urie shows up to meet his blind date, who is extremely hot and glistening, as spin instructors are wont to be.
22. Wow, I haven’t seen a spit take that major in forever.
23. The lads buy a giant, real Christmas tree together, so you know it’s true love. They part with an abrupt hug, though, so…maybe not?
24. Iconic shot of Michael Urie stocking up on white wine, without which the holiday season would truly be for naught. Nick is there doing the same, because these two are MFEO (made for each other).
25. Why does Michael Urie’s sister say “grade seven” instead of “seventh grade”? Is whomever wrote the script Canadian?
26. Important scene of Jennifer Coolidge screaming.
27. Michael Urie and Spin Instructor are skiing, but Michael Urie can’t stop talking about Nick. Hmm.
28. The teen nieces try to convince Nick to get Michael Urie a nice gift and make him pose for selfies. Ah, Gen Z.
29. Okay, I’m calling bullshit here: How could Michael Urie not know he’s in love with Nick? He’s freaking reading the children’s book he wrote to his nephew!
30. Damn, Michael Urie has been on, like, two dates with Spin Instructor and is already thinking about moving home to New Hampshire. Lesbian behavior, TBH.
31. Unbeknownst to Michael Urie, the family is conspiring to get him together with Nick. Good!
32. There’s a kids’ pageant subplot I don’t really care about, just FYI.
33. Michael Urie’s boss makes him replace the Santa hunks from the opening shot with “real people” instead of models, and the family peer-pressures him into using Nick. Why doesn’t my family work this hard to get me coupled?
34. Is Nick being compensated for this photo shoot, though?
35. OMG, those sneaky nieces pretend to fall asleep in Michael Urie’s bed, so he has to share a bed with Nick. 🙂
36. Pageant goes well. Whatever.
37. Aw, Michael Urie admits to the nieces that he has feelings for Nick. Tell him, dummy!
38. Choreographed TikTok Christmas dance time! This is where we gay aunts and uncles shine.
39. However much Jennifer Coolidge was paid for this movie, it wasn’t enough.
40. OMG, Nick admits to Michael Urie that he has feels, but Michael Urie lets him down and says he’s moving back to New Hampshire. Ugh.
41. Nick can’t go back to L.A. without TaskRabbit-ing a little more, which is good, because Spin Instructor dumps Michael Urie and tells him he’s meant to be with Nick. Duh.
42. In a classic Christmas love move, Nick secretly pays the first six months’ rent on a plant store in town for Michael Urie (!!!). They’re literally in love, y’all! And they’re moving to New Hampshire together!
43. Well, I would call that a reasonable attempt to make the yuletide gay.

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