Obviously we all know communication is king when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship—and, yes, that includes a healthy sex life. As sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a sex and relationships expert for Womanizer, explains, “Ongoing communication improves understanding, deepens connection, and leads to hotter sex.” But what you may not know is that all of that communicating can actually be a hell of a good time, especially when it comes to talking about sex.
The way we talk about the importance of communicating in relationships can sometimes make it sound like a chore—like some kind of homework you have to do to make sure your relationship maintains a certain GPA. Spoiler alert: Communicating with your partner can (and should!) be fun. And when you’re communicating about sex, well, it can be downright hot. One easy way to get the conversation started, take the pressure off, and turn up the heat a little? Asking your partner fun sex questions about what they like (and don’t like, and fantasize about) in bed.
“Asking your partner intimate questions will give you information to enhance your sex life,” says sex therapist Laurie Mintz, PhD, a sex expert for Lelo and author of Becoming Cliterate and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. “It will help you learn what your partner finds erotic, and will also help you share the same.”
Not only can a fun and sexy game of 20 questions make it easier to start talking, but it’s also a great way to open up bigger discussions about boundaries, wants and desires. (Pretty important stuff, TBH!) “When you ask questions that lead to meaningful conversations, you’ll better understand not only what your partner is into, but why they may be drawn to specific acts, fantasies, scenarios, and feelings,” says O’Reilly.
Not to mention, while trading questions can definitely help improve your relationship—and thus lead to better sex—a little sexy Q&A sesh can basically be foreplay in and of itself. Sometimes, just talking about sex is almost as hot as having it.
Whether you’re looking to sexually sus out a new partner, connect more deeply with a current one, or get you both into a sexier state of mind, these sex questions are bound to get you thinking (and probably more than *just* thinking, if you catch our drift).
1. Have you ever had a threesome?
Sure, this question can be answered with a “yes” or a “no,” but let me assure you, it’s never that simple. Posing this Q to your partner this can help you gauge whether they a) have had a threesome, b) would be interested in having a threesome in the future, and c) had a poor experience having a threesome.
It opens up the conversation for lots of follow-up like “How was that threesome initiated?”, “Do you ever fantasize about having a threesome with me?”, and “Do you prefer MMF or FFM or FFF or MMM or what?”
2. Does voyeurism turn you on?
“Voyeurism is getting sexual excitement from watching others when they are naked or engaging in sex acts,” Jill McDevitt, PhD, CalExotics sexologist, previously told Cosmopolitan. This could look like enjoying seeing your partner masturbate in front of you, wanting to see your partner with another person, wanting to “look, but don’t touch” while your partner is in the shower, etc. Asking your partner how they feel about watching can help you see whether this is something you’d like to explore together in the future.
3. Does exhibitionism turn you on?
Now to the flip side of voyeurism: exhibitionism. Clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, sexuality and relationship expert for SexToyCollective.com, previously told Cosmopolitan that “exhibitionism is a sexual kink in which the person feels sexual arousal at the idea or reality of being seen naked or engaged in sexual activities by others.” Maybe you didn’t know there was an actual word for enjoying being the center of attention or thriving off of your partner’s horniness, but there is—and it’s v common.
4. What are your hard boundaries?
In other words, is there anything you absolutely do not want someone to do? This kicks off a healthy conversation about consent that is absolutely vital before engaging in any type of hooking up. And if you don’t know what you may or may not be into, fill out a “Yes, No, Maybe” list by yourself, then compare answers with your partner. Templates like this one are great.
5. What’s the number-one thing on your sexual bucket list?
This one pretty much cuts to the chase! If they only had a year to live, what’s the one sex thing they’d have to cross off the list? In addition to providing insight into what is probably one of their biggest fantasies at the moment, this question can also get your person thinking about why they haven’t done it yet, and maybe how the two of you can check it off their list together.
6. What’s your opinion on monogamy versus open relationships?
Okay sure, this isn’t a sex sex question per se, but it is important to clarify with someone you’re either hooking up with or wanting to hook up with. Depending on what you’re looking for, you may prefer one relationship style over the other.
7. What do you think about incorporating sex toys into our sex routine?
How do they feel about it? Have they ever done it before? What toys have they used before? What toys would they like to use in the future? The questions are honestly endless here. But let me just clarify that sex toys are friends, not enemies. If you need a sex toy to help you orgasm during partnered sex, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and you should not be made to feel bad because of it. They’re also a great way to mix up the monotony of sex in general.
8. Do you like it when I take charge?
This is a solid way to learn your partner’s wants, plus, it lets you tread gently into the submissive, dominant, switch conversation.
9. How do you want me to make you feel when I’m seducing you/initiating sex?
This may seem a little obvious—uh, they probably want to feel horny, duh—but there’s a lot more to feeling turned on than just, well, feeling turned on. According to O’Reilly, this question can help you and your partner better understand something called your “core erotic feeling.” Basically, this is the feeling that helps you most get in the mood for sex. What do you need to feel turned on and in the mood? For some people, feeling safe is the key to feeling ready for sex. Others need to feel loved or romantically excited. Some people are most in the mood when they feel powerful, or desired. “This erotic-emotional connection is often the most important element of seduction and getting in the mood for sex,” says O’Reilly. “Your core erotic feeling lays the groundwork for creating desire.”
10. How do you feel in your hottest fantasies?
Once you’ve figured out what feelings help your partner get turned on, it can be fun to explore how they feel ~in the moment~. “This question allows you to explore your elevated erotic feelings—the emotions that make sexual pleasure more intense,” says O’Reilly. “Perhaps you get really turned on when you feel irresistible? Perhaps pleasure peaks when you feel submissive? Or perhaps you get off on feeling a sense of fear or degradation?” Your elevated erotic feelings can change all the time, which makes this a fun question to return to again and again.
11. I’d like to start sexting you when I’m horny and miss you, would you be into that?
Some people are, some people aren’t, but it’s better to have a conversation with your person about it before spontaneously sending them a dirty text at 2 p.m. on a Monday, only to be left on read. Plus, you can go over whether sexting each other during work or school is fair game.
12. I want to send you a nude photo, how do you feel about that?
This goes hand-in-hand with the whole sexting thing. Before sending a nude photo, ask your partner if they’re comfortable receiving and/or sending them. If they are, discuss what your expectation is when they receive that nude photo: Do you want them to immediately delete it? Are you okay with them keeping it saved in their camera? Will you only use Snapchat to exchange nude photos?
13. How do you like touching yourself?
Who knows how to please you better than…you? So getting to know how your partner practices solo sex is a great way to learn what they like. Plus, you can then use those techniques on them later.
14. What’s a fantasy that you’ve always been curious about?
Let’s be clear: Just because someone has a certain fantasy does not mean they want to go there in real life, says Angie Rowntree, founder of Sssh.com. “However, by framing the question in this way, you allow your partner to be vulnerable and see where they genuinely want to explore,” she says.
“If you both feel safe talking about things you want to explore, you can avoid getting ‘stuck in a rut’ and keep things fun and fresh. Vulnerability and honest communication allow you to bond on a deeper level, no matter what you end up doing or not doing.”
15. Thoughts on butt stuff?
Aside from establishing consent, asking this question can potentially take your and your partner’s sex life to a whole new level. (Like, hello, butt plugs.)
16. Who’s your dream celebrity fuck?
Talking about an unattainable fuck is a fun way to turn your partner on without all the dramatics of jealousy getting involved. If talking about Idris Elba turns them on, (hi, it’s me) why not use it to your advantage?
17. What’s your favorite time of day to have sex?
Ah, the age-old question: morning sex or night sex? But it’s a classic for a reason! People often have strong opinions about this one, and usually some fun experiences to back them up. Talking about these preferences can also help you figure out the best time to initiate sex with your partner, and help you two map out your ideal sexual schedule.
18. What’s your ideal role play scenario?
Asking your partner about role playing could open up a whole new world of hot sex ideas for you two. Are they a professor-student type of person? A strangers-meet-at-the-bar type of person? Either way, discussing your role play fantasies can lead to legit fantasies coming true.
19. Where’s the wildest place you’ve had sex?
Is it somewhere a little more low-stakes like a car? Or somewhere super risky like a movie theatre?
20. Do you like the way you taste?
I mean, personally, one of my favorite moves is when a guy puts a finger in me and makes me taste it afterward. Definitely getting turned on just thinking about it.
21. What type of porn do you like to watch?
“This will often give you insight into their fantasy themes and turn-ons without requiring them to create it for themselves,” says Stefani Goerlich, LMSW.
22. How would you feel about watching porn together?
ICYMI, watching porn together as a couple can be eye-opening in terms of learning and exploring what you both like and don’t like in bed. Swapping your evening Netflix routine for some more ~adult~ programming can open up the door to conversations about fantasies and boundaries, and those conversations all start with this question.
23. What’s the first video/kind of porn you would want to show me?
You show each other your favorite TV shows, so why wouldn’t you want to share your favorite porn? Chances are, your partner already has something in mind that they want to show you.
24. When do you feel your sexiest?
Whether it’s a wax and spa day or maybe when they’re showering, talking about their sexiest moments can put them in that moment. Plus, asking this can help you determine what times are best to initiate sex.
25. Thoughts on dirty talk?
Before you jump right into calling someone (or yourself) “daddy,” it could be helpful to gauge how your partner feels about dirty talk. If they’re for it, this question could lead to some pretty hot rapport.
26. What words and phrases turn you on?
Okay, yes, dirty talk can be pretty hot. But what constitutes good dirty talk can vary significantly from person to person. “Sharing specific words and phrases that turn you on or turn you off can help guide your lover in enticing your auditory side,” says O’Reilly.
27. What words and phrases turn you off?
By that same token, one person’s “OMG yes” is another person’s ick. (Again, see: “Daddy.”) Something you might find super hot could end up being a total vibe-killer. Best to check in before you casually bust out the “Yes, Chef.”
28. What do you think of when you masturbate?
“Asking this question gives you insight into what they focus on during partnered sex too,” says Goerlich. Are they imagining a specific scenario? Are they concentrating on the physical sensations they’re experiencing? Are they thinking about you? Knowing where their brain goes when they’re having solo sex can be a great bit of insight for you to have when you’re having sex together, too.”
29. Do you like what you see?
This is a solid question to ask because, hopefully, the answer is a given. “It prompts a response that is easy to repeat and doesn’t take a whole lot to think about,” says Marla Renee Stewart, a sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand. “You don’t want to be thinking too much because you want to be present and, most importantly, thinking about the pleasure that your body is going to receive.”
30. What’s a kink you’ve always wanted to try, but were too afraid to?
“The more forbidden something is, the more likely we are to be turned on by it,” Goerlich says. “Often, people are ashamed of their fantasies, because our fantasies are rarely PC. Asking the question this way gives you insight into their potentially ‘naughty’ desires while offering them the safety of keeping it firmly in the realm of fantasy.”
Oh, and for the record, nothing is “taboo” or off limits if it gives you pleasure and is done consensually.
31. Would you consider yourself more dominant or submissive?
Even if you haven’t gone down the BDSM road, you can still talk about playing roles while in bed. If your partner tells you they’re more dominant or submissive, you can start incorporating that into sex. Or even the opposite: switch things up to keep things exciting.
32. What type of erotica do you like to read?
Books—including the dirty ones—will tell you literally everything you need to know about someone.
33. What makes you feel good?
“Asking about what evokes a specific physical response in them, instead of about what kind of specific action they enjoy, opens up lots of doors to explore new ways to elicit that same reaction in the future,” says Goerlich.
34. What’s your favorite sex memory of us?
If you’ve had sex with this person already, reliving some of your best sex moments can put both you and your partner into a sexy mood. Was it the time you snuck away from a family event for a quick tryst? Or was it the time you both woke up ready for some morning sex? Either way, even just talking about it can get you two hot.
35. What’s your favorite sex memory that doesn’t include me?
Listen, if you know you’re not going to enjoy hearing about great sex your partner had with someone who isn’t you, then go ahead and skip this one. No need to invite unnecessary jealousy and drama into the chat! But if you are game to get into the hot and heavy details of your partner’s sexual past, (or present, if you’re non-monogamous) this can be a great way to learn more about what turns them on, and maybe pick up a few tips along the way
36. Do you want to try a new position?
There’s nothing like trying something new to add a layer of sexiness to your next romp. If you’ve exhausted doggy style, you can always try something totally different. Might any of these positions work?
37. What songs are on your sex playlist?
This question will give an idea of what type of music your partner likes to get it on to. You can also steal these answers for the next sex playlist you make for the both of you.
38. Do you like when I take you in deep or when you take me in deep?
“For anyone that likes penetration, this is a great way to step into your pleasure,” Stewart says. “Not only does this question give you and your lover a visual, but it helps foster daydreams that get your imagination flowing about what you can do when your (or your lover’s) legs or ass are spread open.”
39. What’s your favorite place to be kissed?
Talking about sexual preferences can be a great way to figure out instructions for yourself in bed. Like, if they say they like to be kissed on their neck, kiss them on the neck…
40. What’s your favorite sex toy?
Whether it’s a solo toy or something to use together, learning about what sex toys your partner likes can help you two figure out ways to incorporate them into sex together.
41. How does this feel? Is this okay?
“It’s important to not only establish consent but also to check in with your partner for feedback,” says Rowntree. “You definitely want to encourage [them] to share with you the things [they] enjoy and frame it in a positive light with the potential for reciprocity. This way you can go beyond mere consent and open yourselves up to greater transparency and trust as you learn what your partner enjoys.”
42. What’s one sex act you wish you could do again for the first time?
Generally speaking, sex tends to get better the more we do it. But sometimes, there’s just nothing like the thrill of a sexual first. Unlocking some super sexy memory about how hot it was the first time your partner tried anal (or had a threesome or used a sex toy, etc.,) can lead to hours of erotic reminiscing.
43. What’s one sex act you never want to do again?
We all have those sex acts we fall for at first fuck, and then we have our one-and-dones. Not only can knowing your partner’s biggest been-there-done-that-never-again sexual experience introduce you to some of their boundaries, but it can also help you understand why they don’t like the things they’re not into.
44. Who would be in your perfect orgy?
What better way to spend a lazy day in bed than drafting your dream orgy together as a couple?
45. How many people would you feel comfortable having sex with at once?
Speaking of orgies, how does your partner really feel about group sex? For some people, three’s a crowd. For others, the limit does not exist.
46. Would you ever make a sex tape?
FWIW, this doesn’t mean you have to make one. But the idea of being filmed (for your eyes only, of course) can be a real turn on for some people. Talking about what you’d include in your sex tape might even put you two in the mood to make one.
47. What’s your favorite place to have sex?
Maybe it’s the shower, the couch, or on the beach. Either way, talking about your favorite sex spots can show you where your partner feels most comfortable getting it on.
48. Do you like being spanked?
Some people like it rough and some people don’t, but you won’t know your partner’s preferences until you ask. Even if you think it is something they’re into, you should always check with them before.
49. Do you prefer giving head or getting head?
Some people are natural givers and some people are natural receivers. Both are okay. But talking about which your partner prefers can help you learn where they stand on the topic of oral sex in general.
50. Do you like it when I touch you there?
“Provided that you already have established [consent], saying this sentence in a low, soft, deep tone, while you gracefully trace their genitals, is a great question to ask,” Stewart advises. “It’s seductive and it implies that you want to move forward to something that involves the body part that you are referring to.”
51. What’s been your hottest sex dream?
When you talk about sex dreams, you can not only learn about your partner’s subconscious sex fantasies, but you can make their dreams a reality. Just don’t get jealous if the dream is about someone or something else.
52. What character are you most attracted to and why?
We all have our fictional crushes, and sharing them can be a low-pressure way to find out more about what someone is into—especially for people who may feel nervous talking about sex that doesn’t involve their partner. “Talking about a fictional third party can provide a glimpse into what excites you,” says O’Reilly. “If you discuss what draws you to a character on television or in a novel, you can offer your partner new insights on how they can tease, excite, seduce, and pleasure you.”
53. What part of your body is craving more attention?
In case you haven’t heard, basically any body part can be an erogenous zone. And, as ob-gyn Constants Adams, MD, previously told Cosmopolitan, new ones can pop up all the time. It’s never a bad time to check in with your partner about any new hot spots that could be in need of a little TLC.
54. What do you remember most about your first sexual experience?
Obviously you should alway exercise caution when asking about someone’s sexual past. But early sexual experiences can be pretty formative, so talking about them can help you bond as partners, and learn a lot about how you grew into your current versions of your sexual selves.
55. Do you prefer to initiate, or do you like when I take the lead?
Some of us are born initiators, some of us just want to be pursued, and others like to mix it up depending on the vibe! Knowing which way your partner leans is obviously huge when it comes to building a compatible sex life together. That said, you should never assume your partner has one set preference. Maybe they usually like to initiate, but actually they’ve been wanting you to take the reins lately. You might not know unless you ask!
56. What’s the most underrated sex position?
My fellow missionary apologists to the front, please! It’s no secret that certain sex positions tend to get a bad rap as boring or unnecessarily difficult or whatever, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have their fans! Invite your partner to give an impassioned defense of their unfairly maligned fav and let the debate begin.
57. What’s the most overrated sex position?
We all have that one position that everyone else seems to rave about that just doesn’t do it for us. (*Cough* doggy. Sorry not sorry.) These questions are way more fun than the standard “What’s your favorite/least favorite position?” because they set the stage for more honesty, (you’re literally inviting them to go against the grain here) and, yes, maybe even some healthy debate.
58. What’s one thing you never thought you’d be into that turns you on now?
Friends, there was a time when I thought I’d never want to give a blow job. To be fair, I was like 11. Regardless, suffice to say I’ve since changed my mind. Our sexual preferences, boundaries and turn-ons are constantly evolving. Asking about something that was once a hard no and has since turned into a yes (or even just a maybe!) can help you tap into that evolution.
59. What’s your favorite sex scene from a movie or TV show?
Sometimes sex scenes from movies or TV shows are honestly better than porn. (Yes, hi, obviously talking about Bridgerton.) Allow your favorite big-screen big-Os to inspire a horny movie marathon, or maybe even a little Regency-Era role play.
60. Have you ever been to a sex club/sex party?
Sex clubs may have been ultra-secretive, underground events back in the day, but these days the sex party scene is practically mainstream. There’s a non-zero chance your partner has been to one, and even if they haven’t, this is a good opportunity to ask if it’s something they’d ever be interested in.
61. What’s something you feel you’ve gotten better at sexually?
There’s always room for improvement! Whether it’s mastering a specific sex act, getting better at feeling centered in our bodies, or practicing enthusiastic consent, there are all kinds of sexual skills—physical and otherwise—that we’re constantly sharpening. Why not give your partner a chance to congratulate themselves on a job well done?
62. What’s a sexual encounter you wish you could have again?
Once again, not a great question if you’re the jealous type. But if you’re down to hear about a particularly hot sexual rendezvous from their past that may or may not include you, a little reminiscing can be hot for you both.
63. What do you think makes you so great in bed?
Go ahead, let them flex a little. Sure, you can tell them how great they are in bed all day long, but every now and then, we all appreciate a little room to applaud ourselves. Not to mention, finding out what your partner is most proud of in bed can help you figure out how to make them feel most confident.
64. When do you feel most sexually confident? How can I support you?
And, speaking of confidence, it’s a great thing to have in the bedroom. That said, “It’s not your job to ensure that your partner feels confident,” says O’Reilly. “But if you can be a part of the supportive process, you’ll likely both get more of what you want when it comes to connection, pleasure and sex.”
65. What makes great sex great?
Hate to break it to you, but there’s no one, tried-and-true formula for good sex. For some people, it’s all about enthusiasm. For others, good sex isn’t good sex without emotional intimacy, and for others it all comes down to nailing the big finish, if you know what I mean.
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