Tested: 2023 BMW ALPINA B8 Gran Coupe

When a car costs $139,900 ($148,095 with options) you expect a little love from the public, even in a place like Los Angeles where even the cats and dogs get plastic surgery.

But over a 5-day test in and around the city, I didn’t get a single gawk, thumbs-up or an “ok” sign, from anyone. Did I care, though? Not a bit. I was too busy basking in this plush, powerful machine, the seats butter-soft, the accelerator rocketing me past the bloated traffic of the 101, jams be damned. Putting the nose inside the cockpit and inhaling was a simple, sublime pleasure. It was a beautiful test, especially after being on the road for three weeks in a bam-slam RV whose review you’ll read in a couple of weeks here.

Let’s have a look.

Body

As stated above, it didn’t get any attention in public but that doesn’t mean it’s not BMW- gorgeous. Its front view is dominated by a modified light design with horizontally-separated twin headlights, and the glow of the illuminated kidney grille adds a touch of elegance as well as authority. At the other end, the four oval tailpipes of the sport exhaust system are beautifully integrated into the ALPINA rear apron. One particularly attractive aspect are the Alpina-specific tires with their 20 spokes, accented with the four-piston Brembo brake calipers in bright cobalt blue and clamping 15.6-inch rotors in the front and 15.7 inches in the rear.

Inside

You haven’t stayed in a 5-diamond hotel? Here’s the closest thing. You sit and it seems the chair has been measured and sewn to fit your exact dimensions – yet it’s not coddling or flaccid. The steering wheel is fat and solid. The shift is a crystal jewel befitting a machine of this caliber, except I couldn’t find the “P” button for the longest time until realizing it’s a tiny little plastic rectangle on the shift.

Visibility is excellent, and, while there is less room in the rear seats than is ideal, the trunk was suitably vast.

Engine

Your 4.4 litre BMW ALPINA Bi-turbo V-8 produces a blistering 630 hp (up 18 hp from the previous generation) and 590 lb-ft of torque, placing the XB7 among the highest performing Sports Activity Vehicles in the world. You step on it and you move, quickly, and experience that heady thrill, again and again and again.

Yet it’s not loud or grumbly. They really tried to make a car that doesn’t announce itself, but rather a stealthy machine that slips in and out of traffic and only the people in it really know what it’s capable of. Miles per gallon is an-ok 17 city, 24 highway. An eight-speed automatic transmission is standard, and rear- and all-wheel-drive models are available.

Tech

I’m afraid the nav system gets a big fat raspberry, consistently commanding me to make a turn as I passed the turn, or telling me to take an exit followed by “When possible, make a legal u-turn” over and over again. It’s also overly busy layout-wise, and I just ended up using my phone. The sound system, though, was above average, nice and rich, although why BMW charges extra for the upgraded stereo system and driving-assistance package is a bit of a head-scratcher.

The drive

You’re a 5,986-pound magic carpet, a powerful rogue, a high-end spaceship of splendiferousness. The power is palpable even at slow speeds; on the highway, you’re a boss with your all-wheel drive, limited-slip differential and rear-axle steering. Braking is instantaneous and, while I was never able to even come close to “speed” on skinny Mulholland Drive, the mountains were carved sweet-as-you-please.

And there’s really no hurry anyway – it’s one of those cars you get into and drive to nowhere because it’s so pleasant. The outside world and its problems fade; it’s just you and your ride.

Conclusion:

The ALPINA is the perfect car for someone who wants the top end of what BMW offers, but has no need to shout about it.

See information about safety features/warranty here.