‘Fetch the mop – it’s a code brown!’: the diary of a Glastonbury toilet cleaner

WaterAid has been working with Glastonbury since 1994 to do the very important job of keeping the festival’s toilets clean. That was the first year I attended the festival; I’ve been back many times, and this is my second year running working as a WaterAid volunteer on the loo crew. The charity’s work at the festival also raises awareness of the lack of access for many to basic sanitation: more than one in five people across the world don’t have access to decent toilets. Being here changes the way you think about these things we take for granted. I am glad to pull on a pair of rubber gloves and give something back to the festival.

Tuesday

Great to be on site in our crew camping area. There are 700 of us volunteering for WaterAid, so our field is tightly packed, with the usual game of tent Tetris to fit everyone in. With catering, hot showers, tea and coffee urns, and plugs for phone charging, we are well looked after. I catch up with old friends from last year and meet new ones. Shift patterns have been received and mine look great: four six-hour shifts, all of Friday off and the last shift finishing at 6pm on Sunday in time for Elton John.

Wednesday

My midday shift starts and I find out which team I’m in. There is much anticipation finding out which will be our “long drops”. Last year, we were roaming across a big stretch of the site covering five different areas. This year, we’ve got the Pyramid stage loos, so it’s going to be busy but at least we can clean along to Blondie on Sunday afternoon.

We start the shift in the pounding rain but this soon gives way to glorious sunshine. We have three blocks of 72 long drops to clean. For those who haven’t had the pleasure, long drops are toilet blocks built over a deep pit; each cubicle is open air with a single shelf with a seat shape moulded into it. If it is raining, you get wet while you do your business. The open-air aspect is much preferable to an enclosed, stinky portable toilet.

The metal creak and clank of the long-drop doors as they open and slam is a Glastonbury soundtrack. “Oh, how l’ve missed that sound,” exclaims one loo user.

We accidentally clean the wrong 72 first, which we are happy to gift to the team that turns up to do them. The festival has just started, so these are inoffensive and quick to clean. We also litter-pick the area: there are lots of cider cups left in the traps.

In the words of James, we do implore users to please just “sit down”, but we often find muddy bootprints on the shelf of the toilet seat where non-sitters have taken the long drop to even greater heights. We happily mop up these errant footprints, but unfortunately not everyone hits the bog bullseye.

We only have one code brown on this shift, which requires a full sluice with the mop bucket followed by a very thorough mopping.

We hear excited children shouting: “Put your head in and shout – it echoes!” I wouldn’t recommend this, to be honest – falling in just isn’t worth thinking about.

Overall, a successful shift: camaraderie is high and poop levels are low so far. But this is the calm before the storm.
Loo rating: 4.5/5

Thursday

A 6pm till midnight shift. The team is in good spirits but we are aware this is where the fun really begins, with most of the festival-goers on site now. Our loos are much busier this shift but with no acts on at the Pyramid stage, our customers are mostly passing traffic.

We have a higher code brown count today of four, including one prize specimen that Gillian McKeith would be proud of, which was found on the edge of a seat. It is an easy poop putt with a tap of the mop: hole in one. With a quick spray with plenty of disinfectant and a good mopping, the trap is ready and back in action for the next user.

The team is thrilled to finish our shift and looking forward to Friday off.
Loo rating: 3/5

Saturday

A 5.30am alarm wake-up for our 6am to midday shift. We approach the long drops with trepidation, and rightly so. The amount of rubbish around the toilet seats is mind-blowing. Cups, cans, full drinks, plates with food, vapes, a pint of milk, a G-string and a pair of very poopy pants left at the scene of the crime (they had attempted to clean up with said pants, bless). One loo is such an absolute swamp of human effluent that I have my first moment of retching. Someone finds a snoring reveller fast asleep on the drop with underwear around their ankles.

The first few hours of this shift really felt like hard work, but we are satisfied with our efforts and survey our renewed and revived loos with pride. By 8am, many sleepyheads are rocking up to the loos and sinks for their morning business. Saturday morning ablutions in the sun, Glasto-style, are in full force, ranging from improv jerrycan showers and bucket baths to a cold wet flannel wipe. It is a hive of activity, and great to see our five-star clean loos as the backdrop. The hot mess we tackled is a distant memory – for now.
Loo rating: 1/5

Sunday

My final shift is midday til 6pm on Sunday. This is our first time experiencing the huge Pyramid crowds, with immense people traffic, and we are busy trying to keep on top of the great standard of loos left by the previous team. We feel as if we have seen it all now – it’s all water off a loo crew’s back by this point.

The best advice for loo users is to try not to look down. Unfortunately, we have no choice when cleaning and mopping the seats, so I do have images that may take a while to unsee.

Festival-goers have been so appreciative and make a point of thanking us throughout the weekend; we have had claps, bows and curtsies. The pleasure of opening a toilet door for someone after cleaning it and telling them: “Your loo is now the cleanest one in Glastonbury,” has not worn off.

Yes, we have seen some sights and it has been hard work at times, but it has also been a thoroughly good giggle, working in an awesome team and doing something worthwhile for a fantastic charity. Hopefully smell you next year, Glastonbury!
Loo rating: 2.5/5