Dear Amy: I finalized a divorce from an emotionally abusive husband in January.
I attempted to reach out to a friend from high school during this time, and she indicated that she was busy and was going through things, too.
I understood, and stopped reaching out.
She recently has started texting, and has asked questions that I know are well-intentioned, but hurt me.
I’m a working, single mom now, and my kids are with me except for every other weekend. I am responsible for two- thirds of their financial support.
She has asked if I am still working full time, and if I can hang out during the day, or bring the kids to the pool for the afternoon.
I was a little hurt when she was not able to be there for me during a hard time, and now I feel like I’m constantly saying that I cannot afford the time or money for the things that she wants to do.
How do I explain to my married stay-at-home mom friend that I’m not able to engage in that way?
Emotionally Underwater in Oklahoma
Dear Underwater: Your friend is trying to be helpful, and her offers are misguided, but she might not know that because (aside from turning down offers) you don’t seem to have told her.
See her in person during a weekend when you don’t have the children with you. Your life has changed radically, and you will have to describe it to her.
Dear Amy: I’m a parent to a fantastic adult son who is caring, intelligent, hardworking and financially comfortable. He enjoys his work, and is very good at it.
Due to the nature of his job, he is able to work a fraction of the hours his peers work. He has much more free time than the average working adult and uses it to his advantage.
I’m glad he figured this all out on his own and isn’t being crushed by student loans. I am extremely proud of him.
The problem is my parents. Every opportunity they get, they bring up how he needs to get a degree, or go into a specific in-demand field he’s not interested in.
The return on investment hardly seems worth it to my son. He has told them as much on several occasions.
My sister and I have also told them on numerous occasions that he is happy, healthy and financially independent, and that we are proud of him.
They don’t seem to get it. They are “worried about him” and are critical of his lack of education. He has a substantial amount of money saved and has time and resources to pursue his interests. If higher ed was an interest, he’d already be pursuing it.
How can I get them to stop offering unsolicited career and education advice to my son?
Should we politely shift the focus when they bring it up?
I worry they will push him away if they keep alienating him with all of their good intentions.
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck: Here’s a radical suggestion: Stop caring what your parents think. They’ve already expressed their lofty ideas for and to your son, repeatedly, and you and others have made a good case for him.
It is simply not necessary for them to approve of his life choices, because he is living out his choices — and his life is working for him.
When they voice their opinions, listen but avoid a discussion.
Them: “We’re worried about him.”
You: “That’s too bad.”
Them: “Aren’t you worried about him?”
You: “Nope.”
Them: “We think he could go much farther with a degree.”
You: “Yes, I know you think that.”
The fact is that they will alienate their grandson if they don’t stop weighing in. Why? Because it is both boring and dispiriting to hear, over and over again, that the fulfilling life you’ve chosen to live is simply not good enough.
I hope your parents figure this out before they irreparably damage the relationship.
Dear Amy: Responding to “Potluck Party Pooper,” I think you and the employee invited to this party need to understand how a potluck works. This person worried about bringing a dish for 25 people. If everyone brought that much food, it would be a tsunami!
Get a Clue
Dear Get a Clue: Many people responded similarly.
I believe that everyone (including this “Party Pooper”) understands how potlucks work. The writer’s point was that these employees need a raise, not a potluck party.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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