Does your brain go into overload during sex? You’re not alone – here’s how to manage it (and actually enjoy yourself)

My brain, hereafter affectionately referred to as Brain, is very loud, overbearing and annoying. She’s constantly wittering on about stuff I don’t have any interest in thinking about and butting in as I try to get on with my day-to day-life. Some days she is much louder than others, and some days I can drown her out a bit better – usually when I’m doing things I get pleasure from, like listening to music or watching a really gripping film.

Sex? Very sadly, sex is not one of those times. I really thought it would be the ultimate Brain silencer, but for some reason, she just gets louder and louder in intimate moments. Thankfully she’s not ruined sex for me, but I do have to put up with her shouting over and over in my head, which is incredibly distracting when the whole point of sex is to very much be in the moment. You need laser focus for the ending to be a happy one.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Brain is the loudest when she feels intimidated, not skilled enough, self-conscious or aware that complete concentration is needed. Given that sex makes Brain feel all of these things, it’s no surprise that her monologue goes a little like this:

Are we supposed to be moving around more? Or moving around less?

Is he rubbing our inner thigh? Does he know that’s our inner thigh

I think we’re going to get friction burn, maybe we should move his hand.

Oh, ok, did you just kiss his ear?

Is it hygienic to kiss ears? I wonder when he last washed his ears properly. I bet no one cleans behind their ears as much as they should.

Just making a mental note to give our ears a really good scrub next time we’re in the shower. We should buy a new loofah too! A blue one would be fun.

I think we should be making some noises now. It’s a bit creepy that we’re just laying here breathing into his neck. It’s awkwardly quiet. Oh, what’s that? You want me to shut up? I just thought that if you’re not making outward noises, I should make inward noises instead?

Ok, I’ll be quiet now. …

I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a massive cobweb in the corner of our bedroom and I can’t see the spider.

Oh no, do you think the spider is in the bed with us?

He’s really sweating, is it normal for him to be sweating this much?

Oh my god, imagine if the spider climbed inside our vagina and laid its eggs in us? Would we technically be the mum when we give birth to the little spider babies?

I think his sweat is going to make our face spotty. You should wipe it off our cheek. We don’t need any new spots to appear and ruin our weekend plans.

Woah! Steady on, sir, does he know he’s diving for our arsehole?