Ask Amy: Is it fair that my wife decided on her own that we won’t have kids?

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We both recently turned 40.

Before getting married, she had always expressed wanting to have two kids. I wanted that, too!

We put this off for a few years to gain a good financial standing.

Her younger sister had two children, and the inevitable questions started flying regarding when we would have kids. It was mostly a question that I regarded as rude, so I did not answer it.

Over the years, my wife has gone from saying “We have dogs” to “We don’t want kids,” with no conversation ever occurring between us about it because she regularly avoided that talk.

In more recent times, she has told others that we don’t have kids because I don’t want them, which could not be further from the truth.

She is now set that she is too old to have children, and bringing up the idea of adoption gets scoffed at because she believes that these kids are “problems.” She has said extremely derogatory things about adoption.

This has caused a huge rift in our marriage, and I don’t know if it’s capable of being fixed because she is unwilling to go to couples counseling, meet with adoption agencies to actually get factual info, or discuss it.

Am I being unreasonable to think that her shift in thinking, with no conversation about it, is unfair to me?

Childless Husband

Dear Husband: First, to address your wife’s attitude toward children who are available for adoption: She’s wrong.

She obviously does not want to be a parent. She may be putting all sorts of phony roadblocks across the path to parenthood, but the answer is clear.

Your wife refuses to address any deeper issues, attempt to work this out, or even discuss this with you.

This is an extremely important and primary issue. The way this is resolved will affect the rest of your life in profound ways.

I strongly suggest that you find a counselor for yourself. Reviewing your history and disclosing your deep feelings about this with a neutral and compassionate person will be challenging, and very helpful.

Single men can foster and adopt children. This is legal throughout the country, and although it is still relatively rare (compared with single women adopting), if your marriage collapses on this issue, I urge you to look into adoption.