Are you tied up in knots? Ask the right questions, says Simran Mangharam

In March 2021 she met Nandan and really liked him. Tarika reached out to me once again, to ensure she mistake-proofs the journey from dating to committed relationship, culminating in marriage. This past New Year’s Eve, Nandan proposed. She said yes. Three days later, Tarika sent me an SOS request for a session. She was worried about two things.

One: Was he the right person for her?

Two: Would she lose her freedom after getting married.

We addressed the first concern. Tarika and Nandan have been living together for seven months. I asked her if she was in love with him. She said yes. Was there any discomfort in living together and sharing space? Tarika said that once they figured out the office, bathroom, coffee and meal routines, things fell into place in a few weeks. So there was no discomfort over sharing space with Nandan.

I then asked Tarika about any concerns regarding how he made her feel in their day-to-day interactions. She said that at times, she felt he would instruct her on how to do certain things (the optimal way of hanging clothes to dry, for instance), which annoyed her. On my advice, she spoke to him honestly, calmly, requesting him to stop guiding her on such aspects. Nandan agreed. It took a few reminders from Tarika and some time, for him to eventually stop. But he did.

Then I asked her about decision making. Did she feel like she was able to share her opinions freely with Nandan and that they went with what was the best option, irrespective of who made the suggestion? And did Tarika have the agency to take decisions independently?

She said she had not consciously considered this aspect. We gave it another week of observation. She came back saying that in her observation Nandan seemed more of a live and let live kind of person. She felt confident about being heard in their relationship and was able to be herself with Nandan.

By this time, Tarika had realised that Nandan was indeed the right person for her. There was a sense of ease in sharing space with him, and he was willing to adjust. He made a conscious effort to accommodate her requests. He also respected her and her opinions. I added to that by telling her to be cognisant of the fact that this should work both ways for the relationship to remain healthy and strong.

Her second concern was about losing her freedom after getting married. As we dug deep, we realised this was more of a prejudice. Tarika grew up in a joint family. She often saw her mother being frustrated by the obligations and demands of the extended family. At an intellectual level, she understood that times had changed. Yet, she has been unable to shake off her fear. A simple explanation is that emotionally, we are shaped to a great extent by the exposure that we have to our parents’ relationship. With this awareness one needs to constantly remind themselves that their own journey need not be the same.

We are now working on setting boundaries with their respective (Tarika and Nandan’s) extended families. That’s helping her feel confident about her freedom not being curbed. The objective is to have a harmonious relationship with both sets of parents and siblings.

Getting married is a big decision. Apart from love, the answer to the question, whether this is the right person for you, lies in concentrating on the deeper aspects. These include mutual respect, a willingness to accommodate each other, an alignment of value systems and the ability appreciate each other as individuals. This approach lays a solid foundation to a happy and long-lasting relationship.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on [email protected])