Ask Amy: Do I have to accept my wife’s secrecy about her past?

Dear Amy: My wife of 57 years had a lover in her youth.

I have asked her for some details about that affair, but she refuses to disclose anything.

Should I accept that stance on her part or should she comply with my request?

Just the Facts!

Dear Just the Facts! You don’t say why you are so curious about this very long-ago love affair – at this stage in your own life.

My reaction is that your wife is her own person. She has the right to disclose – or withhold – anything from her own past that precedes your relationship, unless this has a direct bearing on your own family (for instance, if she had a child by that relationship). This also applies to your own past, by the way.

In my opinion, your curiosity doesn’t qualify as a “need-to-know.”

If this has become a sticking point in your own relationship, then you will both have to reckon with it, thoughtfully talk it through, and make a conscious choice to move forward.

Dear Amy: I have a beautiful, smart and wonderful 16-year-old granddaughter who is anorexic.

She has been at a special care facility for the past two months and will be returning home within a couple of weeks.

Of course, this is a very emotional and difficult time for her parents, and the whole family.

My question to you is: What do I say to this child? How should I behave with her? Should I talk to her about her sickness?

People tell me to just be myself, but this “myself” wants to hug her for a long time. At this point in time, she doesn’t allow hugging or touching.

Is there a support group for grandparents I could access?

My whole being hurts so much when I think of the suffering my daughter, son-in-law and her 14-year-old sister are going through!

I truly want to be the grandma who has always supported and loved her.

Hurting Grandma

Dear Grandma: The fact that you are asking this question reveals how important a role you could play in your granddaughter’s recovery – just by being yourself. But “being yourself” in this context may feel somewhat surreal.

Keep in mind that returning from an in-patient program marks a stage in recovery, but is not the end of recovery. Your granddaughter’s recovery is a process that could take a very long time.

It is common for people returning from treatment to feel awkward, “on stage,” and the unwanted focus of the entire family’s attention. I think this is especially challenging for teenagers.

The recovering person does not want to be visually scrutinized, touched, hugged, or put at the center of the family’s conversation.