Ask Amy: Elder caregivers coerce family for money

Dear Amy: My father is 101 years old. He lives at home with us and contributes to the cost of his caregiver (about $5,000 a month).

We arrange for his caregivers through agencies. We are professional, polite, and provide a competitive salary above minimum wage, as well as paid sick leave, vacation, and a weekly “tip” to raise their wage to $20/hour.

We are middle-class retirees. We are not rich. Nevertheless, almost every caregiver we have hired (all through agencies) has spoken repeatedly about how their previous employers “considered them part of the family” and gave them money for a car, a house, or a gift in the elderly’s will.

We are treating the caregivers well and paying them professionally and appropriately; however, we want to continue to see them as employees, not family.

It is hard enough to have to have a caregiver in our home because we cannot physically see to all of my father needs, but the guilt and pressure several of these ladies have put on us (two women have even asked for a five-figure “loan”) makes us feel anxious and stressed.

I’ve been saying no, and changing the caregiver when the stress gets too bad, but it keeps happening.

Is this an expectation when you have a home caregiver?

— Worried

Dear Worried: The AARP has extremely helpful information about elder financial abuse on their website: AARP.org (search “prevent caregiver fraud”).

They describe the elder caregiving industry as “like the Wild West,” with some agencies not screening employees for experience or criminal records, and not providing training or oversight for caregivers.

Only use a bonded and insured homecare agency. This might be more expensive for you, but their employees should be well-trained, experienced, and professional.