Ask Amy: He said hurtful things about my wedding, and now I’m expected to fix our rift

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Dear Amy: My wife and I were fortunate enough to get married in Tuscany two years ago. We had a small guest list of immediate family and our closest friends. Neither of us had been married before.

When we hand-delivered our “save the dates,” we said we understood that a trip to Italy was a big request, even with four days of food and lodging provided, and that we understood if people couldn’t make the trip.

With two COVID delays, circumstances prevented two of my friends and their spouses from being able to attend.

A third friend, “Donny,” informed me in the most hurtful way that he and his wife, “Linda,” would not be making the trip.

Donny broke this news to me by stating that my wedding was a major inconvenience to them with all of the delays, and that they had other priorities in life I was preventing them from accomplishing (one of the specific priorities mentioned was an all-inclusive drinking trip with another couple).

Linda reached out once, and I informed her exactly why I was hurt. She thought I was upset simply because they did not attend the wedding.

I have seen Donny and Linda once since then, and she informed me I needed to do something to fix this relationship.

She was implying that if I don’t put in the effort, it will never get fixed because Donny always bottles everything up and never deals with trauma or conflict.

Amy, I do not feel that I should be the one to fix this, as Donny has never apologized for the hurtful things he said, let alone acknowledged them (which is all I want).

After two years I still wonder if I should just sweep this all under the rug and be the bigger person in order to save a friendship of over 20 years, or if this is one of those situations where you tell me that some friendships are only for a season, even if it is a very long season?

Aggrieved Groom

Dear Aggrieved: Donny doesn’t really seem to bottle things up — he seems quite forward when expressing his own views and preferences.

I believe that the way to discern if the season for this friendship has passed is to address the affront directly, to the person who offended you.

So far, you have stated your case to Linda, and she seems to have tossed the ball back to you.

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