Ask Amy: I doubt he remembers his drunken call, but I’m disturbed by it

Dear Amy: I have a good friend from college who I’ve kept in touch with for decades. He lives in another part of the country, and I see him every few years.

He’s had a lot of challenges in life. I’ve always been a good friend to him, and really care about him. We share a lot of laughs.

Unfortunately, he is an alcoholic.

His daughter once told my husband and me not to confront him about his drinking because he will get defensive.

The last time we saw him, he kept his drinking in check and we had a great visit.

The problem is, he regularly “drinks and dials.”

I don’t pick up if he calls in the evening. He sometimes leaves slurring, rambling voicemails for me. I will call him back a few days later during the day when he is sober.

He recently left a particularly drunken voicemail, and I haven’t called him back. I doubt he even remembers leaving the message. He’s called a few times since and hasn’t left a message.

I’ve never confronted him about his drinking, but I’d like to ask him not to call when he’s been drinking. How do I get this message across when he denies he has a problem?

After this most recent voicemail, I’ve been tempted to call him back and ask if everything is OK because he sounded really out of it.

How do you suggest I conduct this conversation?

Not Picking Up

Dear Not Picking Up: You don’t actually know if your friend denies he has a problem, because you’ve never attempted to discuss it with him. His daughter’s experience trying to address this might be very different from your own.

You know your friend drinks too much. He knows he drinks too much. He will only address his drinking when he is ready. This is not up to you.