Ask Amy: I met too many men with the same unpleasant personality

Dear Readers: Like you, I’m often curious about what happens to the advice I offer once it leaves my desk, and so I’ve asked readers to send in updates.

The responses have flowed in, and I’m interested and often gratified to learn what impact this experience has had on readers.

Publishing these updates reminds me that we have been through a lot over these past decades.

To refresh all of our memories, I’m running the original Q&A, followed by the update.

Dear Amy: I am a divorced 52-year-old woman who is experiencing a disturbing situation. Men I meet for possible relationships have what I describe as argumentative personalities.

They are never agreeable on any topics that come up in conversation.

The topics range from personal decisions to politics to differences between men and women. These men come across as misogynistic, condescending, critical of everything around them, yet they see themselves as decent normal good guys who know how to treat women. They couldn’t be more wrong.

They often present topics that are inflammatory and then say women can’t handle the conversations because we are too caught up in our feelings.

I don’t entertain these men for long, but I meet man after man after man who has this same personality.

Just what has happened to the art of decent conversation?

After talking to these men for a short period of time the focus turns away from seeking companionship to sparring partners. I don’t understand it and it is very frustrating. Amy, just what is this phenomenon?

Missing the Art of Conversation

Dear Missing: At the risk of being accused of misandry, let’s state for the record that men undoubtedly also have a laundry list of gender-based frustrations with the women they are meeting.

If you are having the same sort of experience over and over again, you should take a careful look at whatever (presumably online) venue you are using to meet these men, and see if there are red flags in their profiles that might indicate that they are more interested in sparring than sparking.

During my long-ago journey into online matching, I admit to having experiences similar to yours. It seemed that the people I was meeting were sometimes relitigating their previous relationships. I often felt unduly challenged and tested. Honestly, few of these people seemed actually interested in getting to know me at all.

This might be a function of the speed with which many people approach the matching process. Match, meet, test for compatibility, move on. And the anonymity of social media has transformed some people into conversational jackals.

My take is this: Engaging in a peaceful and informative conversation has always been something of a rarity (yes, it’s an art!). Being with someone who listens with interest, who seems to “see” you, and who can challenge you without raising your hackles — these are qualities you enjoy in your deep and intimate friendships. This is what you’re looking for, and so your best bet might be to move off-line and to join groups and organizations where you can meet and get to know people gradually, IRL (in real life).

(Published in December 2022)

Update from “Missing”: Dear Amy, I accepted your advice of moving offline – where I was meeting most of these men – and put myself where I could encounter people in real life.

I found that when I made eye contact and smiled at people in groups and social situations, it did start the process of conversation, especially with men.

When the conversation has turned to an inflammatory topic, I’ve said, “That doesn’t really interest me at all; perhaps you can find someone else to talk to about that.”

Also, I still follow a bit of advice you published years ago. You wrote: “People who are decent and kind get to share my world. Everyone else can take a seat.”

I found this on an index card I had in an old journal. It is now posted where I can always see it.

Not Missing the Art of Conversation Anymore.

Dear Not Missing: I’ve heard of columns being taped to refrigerators, but I’m honored to have made it onto your index card!

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