Ask Amy: I overheard their unkind comments about me at the funeral

Dear Amy: Can you please settle a question? When a loved one dies, who should pay for a luncheon after the service?

When my father passed away, I was in a poor financial situation (and still am).

After the service, all I wanted to do was go home and have time to myself.

I overheard several people grumbling about no after-service meal being readied for the mourners.

Why should the grieving party have to be sure that attendees eat afterward? The family is going through enough losing someone dear to them without trying to come up with money to feed the crowd.

I feel that if attendees want a meal after the service, someone should gather others and organize something.

Your thoughts?

– Grieving Daughter

Dear Grieving: There is no one answer to this. Some families who have the means will cater a lunch. Other families will welcome mourners (many bearing casseroles), back to the home, where a friend or more distant family member will help to organize and serve.

Others will meet at the corner pub to raise a glass in memory of the departed.

In my church community, a group of volunteers fixes a simple lunch for those who attended a funeral at the church; the funds are donated by others.

These gatherings can be positive experiences for family members. No doubt sometimes they are also absolutely exhausting.

No matter what, you (the grieving party) were not responsible to pay for, feed and entertain people after your father’s funeral.

The remarks you overheard were unconscionable, and have added to your burden during a very difficult time. I’m very sorry.

Dear Amy: I am an older woman, retired after a long career as a counselor.

I am the oldest of five siblings. My sister is one year younger. We live on opposite coasts. She is very talented, creative and generous. However, my relationship with her can often be difficult due to her bipolar disorder.

She has described herself “as mean as a snake” during her manic periods.

She is medicated and has been seeing a psychiatrist for years.

She lives with her husband who is a wonderful man who drinks to excess after he plays golf most days and does volunteer work. I think it’s how he manages.

My sister has had conflicted relationships with all four of her children from time to time.

There is one daughter in particular with whom she has the most problems. Perhaps they are more like each other – I’m not sure.