Dear Readers: Like you, I’m often curious about what happens to the advice I offer once it leaves my desk, and so I’ve asked readers to send in updates. Publishing them reminds me that we have been through a lot over these past decades.
To refresh all of our memories, I’m running the original Q&A, followed by the update.
Dear Amy: I’m in my mid-20s. My boyfriend is in his late 20s. We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months, and some things he does bother me.
He’s not very sensitive or romantic. I’ve told him multiple times that I want him to be more romantic, but he says it’s just not how he is.
He rarely initiates sex, because he says he likes when I do it, even though I say that it’s hard for me to feel sexy when he doesn’t show me first that he finds me sexy.
He is really big on spending weekends with his friends (they share hobbies that I don’t share). He’ll usually be gone all day with them. Sometimes he’ll also spend a weekend evening with friends and not invite me.
He’s big on “giving each other space.” We’ve gotten into fights because I’ve been upset that he is prioritizing his friends over me.
I know that he cares about me. He always checks in on me and calls me at least twice a day. He got me a wonderful gift for my birthday. I see him multiple times during the week and twice during the weekend.
Is this just a “take it, or leave it” situation?
Sensitive, or Reasonable?
Dear Sensitive, or Reasonable? How would you feel if your boyfriend told you multiple times that he wanted you to behave differently, and when you said, “That’s just not the way I am,” he responded that you-being-you is just not good enough?
Loving, intimate, long-term relationships aren’t usually this much work. You should not be fighting about basic personal characteristics or personality traits.
At the 10-month mark, you would ideally be entering a great groove with each other, where you are recognizing and accepting one another’s differences, without insisting that your partner change elementally to please you. At the same time, you would both endeavor to be “better” versions of yourself to be worthy of the relationship you’re in.
When a relationship is really clicking, it feels like a happy-ever-after, not like a messy first draft.
Obviously, I’ve presented “ideals.” This is not an indictment of either of you, but a reflection that you two might not be the best match.
(Originally published in November, 2020)
Update from “Sensitive…”: Dear Amy, reading your response and other responses online gave me enough courage a few weeks later to break up with him on the grounds that my needs were not being met/it was a bad match.
The breakup lasted about a week because he begged and begged for me to come back on the promise that he’d change.
We got back together, and things improved significantly – he tried harder to have more meaningful connections with me, and I picked up my own new hobby that filled up my time. We got into a wonderful groove.
However, during the whole relationship, we would still fight fairly often. I always felt that deep down we were still just a bad match.
Red flags continued to be ignored, and two years in, I moved into his place.
Eight months after I moved in, I found out that he cheated on me.
I packed up my bags and ended it for good after almost three years with him.
This was just a few months ago. I wish I’d held true to my own instincts the first time I broke up with him in 2020.
Finally Free, but Hurting
Dear Free: Psychologist Carl Rogers said, “Experience is, for me, the highest authority.” This tough experience has taught you to follow your instincts.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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