Dear Amy: Recently my husband and I were vacationing. While enjoying the view of the water, I asked to borrow his phone since mine was back in the hotel room.
I took a photo and was texting it to the kids when another photo popped up — of a woman in a bathrobe with tousled hair.
This is the same woman he had an affair with 30 years ago.
He swears he has had nothing to do with her and that she just sent that photo out of the blue.
Please. Clearly, he never broke it off with her if she still had his number and was texting him.
He has said that she is still just a work associate, but that is just hurtful and deceitful, too.
He says he loves me and that I am his life. But now, I can’t believe a word he says.
He has always traveled a lot and is always on his phone.
I feel like I am seeing him accurately for the first time in our 37-year marriage.
I know he has made other questionable comments to friends regarding women. I’m now wondering if he may have a sex addiction.
I am in my 60s and need to start a new life.
Any suggestions?
– The Blind Wife
Dear Wife: Every new life starts with one moment.
This photo obviously has triggered extreme feelings and dormant suspicions for you, and you should let this very tough episode lead you into a marriage counselor’s office.
Relationship counseling cannot always save marriages – but it can help you to reach the next moment. Counseling can help you to break up (if that’s where you’re headed), while preserving some of the good moments from your very long marriage.
With your marriage on the brink, you and your husband should be inspired to communicate honestly. A neutral person can help to mediate.
You should also see a lawyer on your own and research the divorce laws where you live.
Relationship therapy and legal consultation are not mutually exclusive – in fact, this combination should be empowering.
Dear Amy: My husband’s older brother “Matt” has always been a little “off” – impulsive, immature and completely dependent on his parents (he’s 45).
The pandemic really hit him hard, and he went through a severe depression which put him on a number of medications, and he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Late last year he went off his meds, and on Christmas Eve he had a psychotic break and attacked me with a knife.
I’m thankfully OK and unhurt, but he is still not well, and now my in-laws want me to forgive and forget for the sake of the family.
My brother-in-law was never kind to me, and, frankly, barely noticed I existed. Now he wants to apologize, but “only if he can do it in person.”
I feel like I’m being manipulated into moving on when I am really not ready. What should I do?
– Sharp End of the Stick
Dear Sharp End: The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI.org) has a comprehensive website offering information and support groups. A recent study by NAMI showed that “64 percent of people with mental illness say the holidays make their condition worse.”
This event sounds genuinely terrifying.
Your in-laws are under a lot of pressure and they are trying to move this episode into the past as quickly as possible. Understand that their efforts are made in part to ease their own anxiety and discomfort.
I hope you can find a way to approach this with a compassionate heart – and your compassion should start with an attitude of gentleness toward yourself.
No one should sincerely expect you to meet in person with the person who physically attacked you so recently.
You can respond to these overtures with: “I understand that Matt is not well, and I’m genuinely sorry for what the family is going through. I’m working on forgiveness, and understand that this could be important for Matt. Of course, I will accept Matt’s apology, but I don’t feel ready to see him in person.”
Dear Amy: A recent statement in your column has given me solace!
You wrote: “You mourn because you experienced the privilege of being loved.”
My husband passed away in 2019. We had been together for over 25 years. I repeat that statement to myself whenever I feel so terribly low.
The statement has made my loss more bearable.
– At Peace
Dear At Peace: I’m happy you’ve found this helpful.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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