Ask Amy: I won’t be in a room with this man, but I haven’t told my friends why

Dear Amy: More than 10 years ago I left an emotionally abusive relationship.

On the way out, this man threatened my life and took several thousand dollars from me as “payment” for the emotional turmoil he said I’d caused him, and as an assurance that he would never contact me again.

True to his word, I have managed to avoid him for the better part of 12 years — until the past few months when he has begun to accept invitations from a mutual friend with whom I’ve held a close relationship throughout this time.

The friend is aware of our past relationship but not the circumstances.

Due to embarrassment for allowing myself to have been treated so poorly, I’ve told almost no one the details.

Now I’m torn whether to tell the mutual friend that I cannot attend group events with this person. I don’t want to give up the friendship, or dictate whom someone else may invite to their own home, but I can’t stomach being in the presence of this abuser. Should I say something?

Torn

Dear Torn: Yes, you should say something — to the police. Theft/extortion is a very serious crime. And if you two made a tacit “no contact” deal, isn’t he close to violating it by inching closer to your social circle?

In terms of your mutual friend, you should make it clear that you will not be in the same room with your ex. Ask to be told if he is included in an invitation.

Dear Amy: I am a married woman in my mid-60s, now retired. My sister (who is divorced) invited me on a “girls’ trip” to hike the Scottish Highlands.

We live on opposite coasts and do not see each other often.

When I told my husband about the trip, he gave me major pushback. Some of his objections are:

1. I would be spending our money on a vacation just for myself. (We are not rich, but this would be affordable.)

2. As a married woman, I should be reserving my travels for my husband, not single women.

3. This will only lead to other trips without him.

4. He does not “believe” in girls’ trips.