Dear Amy: Recently I was cleaning out some files and I came across an after-visit summary from my daughter’s pediatrician years ago.
On it, the doctor wrote that my daughter needed nutrition education or she would be in trouble later in life.
Well, I guess I didn’t read that note and now my daughter is in her mid-30s and is technically obese.
She makes really bad food choices every day and it pains me to see this.
Would it be OK to talk to her about this note I found in the file? My husband says to leave it up to her and her doctor.
She was a slender girl but has been putting on weight in the last 10 years and continues to gain weight.
Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned: I think it would be interesting (and potentially very useful) for any adult to receive medical records from childhood.
All records you still possess pertaining to your daughter and her health should be thoughtfully turned over to her, without comment from you.
She is an adult, she knows she is overweight, and she can make her own choices about how to live.
Dear Amy: My father is 101 years old. He lives at home with us and contributes to the cost of his caregiver (about $5,000 a month).
We arrange for his caregivers through agencies. We are professional, polite, and provide a competitive salary above minimum wage, as well as paid sick leave, vacation, and a weekly “tip” to raise their wage to $20/hour.
We are middle-class retirees. We are not rich. Nevertheless, almost every caregiver we have hired (all through agencies) has spoken repeatedly about how their previous employers “considered them part of the family” and gave them money for a car, a house, or a gift in the elderly’s will.
We are treating the caregivers well and paying them professionally and appropriately; however, we want to continue to see them as employees, not family.
It is hard enough to have to have a caregiver in our home because we cannot physically see to all of my father needs, but the guilt and pressure several of these ladies have put on us (two women have even asked for a five-figure “loan”) makes us feel anxious and stressed.
I’ve been saying no, and changing the caregiver when the stress gets too bad, but it keeps happening.
Is this an expectation when you have a home caregiver?
Worried
Dear Worried: The AARP has extremely helpful information about elder financial abuse on their website AARP.org (search “prevent caregiver fraud”).
They describe the elder caregiving industry as “like the Wild West,” with some agencies not screening employees for experience or criminal records, and not providing training or oversight for caregivers.
Only use a bonded and insured homecare agency. This might be more expensive for you, but their employees should be well-trained, experienced, and professional.
As you know, qualified, competent and kind caregivers are worth their weight in gold, but no caregiver should ever ask or pressure you or your loved-one for money beyond their salary. Ever.
Evidently, pressure to be included in an elder’s will is not uncommon. AARP cautions: “Advise the older person’s attorney of any suspected financial abuse, especially if a caregiver is exerting pressure to revise estate planning documents.”
Make sure you keep a close eye on all of your father’s accounts. Secure his cards, checkbook, and wallet in a safe.
You and your husband are going to have to be very frank and firm with all of the people coming into your home. Anyone asking to receive more money from you should be told: “This is inappropriate. Please don’t raise this issue again, with us or with Dad.” Report your concern to the agency.
If you suspect caregiver fraud or theft, contact the police and your local Adult Protective Service Agency. The U.S. Department of Justice’s Elder Justice Initiative offers an elder fraud hotline (833-372-8311) and a map of local agencies that can help (justice.gov/elderjustice).
You are elders, too, and you are also vulnerable to this pressure and coercion.
Dear Amy: Thank you so much for evoking Betty White’s memory in your response to “Sad Pet Mom,” who was struggling with her grief over losing her dog to cancer.
When you wrote that you hoped that Betty White’s many animal friends might meet her on the other side of the “rainbow bridge,” I got very choked up.
A Golden Girl
Dear Golden Girl: Betty White was indeed a very special human.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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