Ask Amy: It turns out my kind and loving wife is a mean drunk

Dear Amy: I have been happily married for 17 years to a kind and loving woman. It is a second marriage for us both. We are retired and living in an upscale over-55 community.

For instance, when my first wife and I divorced, I made a substantial financial sacrifice in order to continue to live near my daughter. My wife calls my daughter a “fat loser.” (She and her fiancé have good jobs, own a home and are self-sufficient, but, yes, they are overweight.) Every time she gets drunk, she attacks me and brings up how much better off she and I would be if I hadn’t spent my savings staying near my “fat loser daughter.”

These drunken episodes are happening at least weekly.

I speak with her the next day, and she sticks to her rationale for drinking and blames me for whatever she can think of. She claims that she drinks because of me.

I do not know what to do.

Her late mother drank every day and behaved in a similar way.

I love my wife. I am not sure how much longer I can take the emotional beatings.

There are times I just wish I would die. Then at least she could get my insurance.

Devastated

Dear Devastated: It sounds as if attempting to discuss your wife’s drinking with her mainly brings on denial and more verbal abuse, because if she admits to her addiction and abusive behavior, then she may have to stop drinking – and she doesn’t want to stop.

You might consider taking a video of her drunken rage and using it to try to shock your wife into seeking help.

Her behavior reveals her long-standing resentment of choices that seem to convey what a good man you are (sacrificing increased income to stay near your daughter). How unfair of her and dispiriting for you.

Do not take these “emotional beatings.” In the shorter term, leave the room or the house when this happens. And, please, seek a counselor for yourself. Talking this through with a rational and compassionate professional will help to ease your own despair. A “friends and family” program such as Al-anon will help you to cope with your wife’s drinking.

Your mutual self-esteem and relationship is on the line. I hope she gets help.

Dear Amy: My husband of 52 years and I have an ongoing dispute about travel. He hates to travel while I love to visit friends and new places.

I do not mind if he stays home. I enjoy going with girlfriends who like hiking and exploring new destinations.

I have a part-time job that pays for my trips. I always leave food prepared for him.

My husband states that going away two times a year (some camping trips are only three days) should be adequate to meet my needs. I never go away more than four times a year.

If I try to ignore his negativity, he starts in on me from the moment I pack until I return: “I don’t see why you can’t be satisfied to stay at home.”

I am not getting any younger and want to travel while I can.

Can you help me?

Loves to Travel

Dear Loves to Travel: I suggest that you sit down with your husband, make eye contact, and tell him about your travel plans over the next several months. Ask him if he’d like to join you or plan any short driving trips for the two of you.

Listen to his response, and calmly answer any questions. If he responds in his typical way, you can say, “I’m going to miss you, but honestly your attitude toward me makes it easier to leave.”

Dear Amy: “Want Out!” was extremely anxious as a result of the pandemic.

I had a similar experience. When I had to go back to my office, I was overcome with severe anxiety. I was anxious if I had to drive or leave the house. I wanted to cry because I wanted my normal life back.

After a year, I saw a psychologist who prescribed anti-depressants. What a game changer! I still limit my driving, but my anxiety is way down.

I’m so glad I got help.

Jo in Ontario

Dear Jo: Thank you for sharing this. I hope all severely anxious readers will follow your lead.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.