Dear Amy: I am in love with my best friend, “Tina,” but she is in a relationship.
Tina has been with her current boyfriend for almost five years, four of which have been long distance, and she’s made many comments that make it seem like she is settling for him.
They started dating in high school (they’re now seniors in college), and he is the only person Tina has ever dated. She has said many times that she doesn’t want to break up with him because she would feel like she wasted all of her college years.
They frequently get into arguments, and all of our friends agree that he should treat her better.
On top of that, Tina (who is bisexual) has told me that, if she were to ever break up with her boyfriend and date a woman, I would be “her type.”
We’ve been mistaken for a couple on numerous occasions. Even her mother said that if Tina didn’t have a boyfriend, she would think the two of us are dating.
I am completely in love with Tina, but I’m conflicted on whether I should confess my feelings.
Ultimately, I just want her to be happy, even if it is with someone else. But seeing her settle, and running through all the “what ifs,” is eating me up inside.
How should I talk to Tina about her current boyfriend and the way he treats her? Should I tell her how I really feel about her?
– Hopelessly in Love
Dear Hopelessly: The heart wants what it wants, but the way you describe Tina’s choices makes me wonder if you could do better.
Her justification to stay in a bad relationship because she’s already wasted a lot of time in the bad relationship is poorly considered. I sincerely hope that she deserves you.
Your unselfishness when it comes to her happiness, on the other hand, is the real deal.
Don’t emphasize the way Tina’s boyfriend treats her. This might force her into a defensive posture.
I suggest that you keep it very simple: “I want you to be happy, even if it is with someone else. But I think you’d be happier with me.”
Dear Amy: Thank you for occasionally running questions from people about their pets. I was especially moved by the question from “Sad Pet Mom,” whose dog had died prematurely from cancer. I cried when I read your response and your concluding thoughts about animal-lover Betty White meeting all of her dogs on the other side of the “rainbow bridge.”
I’m writing because my own dog had a very tough death, after extended painful treatments. I wonder if I should have put him through all of that suffering, but I did not know how to let go, and now I blame myself.
I could use some words of comfort, now.
– Mourning
Dear Mourning: The choice you were facing is the heartbreaking reality of having a pet, because if you are lucky enough to see your animal through countless hours of joy and companionship, at some point you quite literally hold your companion’s life in your hands.
My point of view is grounded in my experience growing up on a dairy farm, where humans are responsible for – and witness to – daily brushes with birth, life, illness, and death.
Several years ago, I took one of my cats to a large teaching vet hospital for treatment (on a Friday). While waiting, I saw a couple come in with a tiny ancient dog curled up and quivering on a pillow. They were asking an attendant what treatment the dog could receive so it could survive through the weekend.
My heart broke for everyone concerned. The humans just wanted two more days, but I did wonder if they could gauge the animal’s suffering against their own.
You did your best. As your dog was receiving treatment, you couldn’t know if he might recover, and he couldn’t express his own suffering in ways that you could understand.
Know this, however: One reason we love our animal companions so much is because their own loyalty and affection seems so unwavering.
No matter what, your pal loved you to the very end.
Dear Amy: The question from “Favorite Grandson” made me see red!
This young man found his 91-year-old grandmother’s invitations to dinner “annoying” and wondered how to get her off his case.
Thank you for taking him to task!
– Appreciative
Dear Appreciative: This question had many readers wishing for even one more moment with their “annoying” elders.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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