Dear Amy: I am very close to my sister, “Cari,” who lives nearby.
I’m not married, I do not have children, and our parents are both deceased.
Cari’s daughter — my niece “Wendy” — is dating “Steve.” Steve and Wendy have a six-month-old baby. Cari doesn’t care for Steve at all.
Steve lives 90 minutes away and is living in an apartment where no one gets along.
Wendy asked me if Steve could stay with me and rent out my second bedroom, and I said yes.
Well, Wendy told her dad, who then told Cari, and Cari flipped out. She doesn’t want Steve moving nearby, and doesn’t want him around.
I’ve only met Steve three times, so I don’t know him very well, but they are obviously crazy about each other.
Wendy also told me that Steve bought her an engagement ring.
I’m afraid that if I don’t tell my sister… when she eventually finds out, it will drive a wedge between us.
My sister Cari has always been my rock through some really tough times. She is all I have left.
Should I tell her about this engagement?
She is my only immediate family. I don’t keep secrets from her.
What should I do?
— Concerned Sister
Dear Sister: The kind of support you are offering can be extremely positive for a young family in need, unless it enmeshes all of you in a complex family situation that none of you are prepared to handle.
You can be a hero to this young family, but not if you keep their secrets or shield them from navigating the relational consequences of their choices.
Your niece “Wendy” has firmly inserted you into her domestic drama. I infer that she is living with her parents, and until she lives independently, her folks should be included in her bigger life choices.
As it is, you have a near-stranger moving into your home. No doubt, Wendy and their baby will also be spending a lot of time there. This will involve you intimately.
You should let them know that if this housing arrangement moves forward, you will not keep any life-altering secrets from her parents. This lack of privacy is the downside of living with family members. If she is more comfortable sharing her news with her father than her mother, then she should speak with him.
Your assistance could prove to be a positive influence on all parties during a stressful time, but I think it’s likely that this refusal to keep secrets might prompt the couple to carefully consider how they’re handling this housing arrangement and other life choices, which would be a mark of their (hopefully) burgeoning maturity.
Dear Amy: After confronting my husband about his year-long emotional affair, he agreed to stop it, although he doesn’t feel that he was cheating.
I believe he did stop, although he never showed me any evidence.
It’s been very hard for me to move on and everything plays over and over in my head, especially the things he told her about our marriage.
What bothers me is that he kept all of their correspondence in a secret file, which I assume he still looks at.
He treats me really well. He is very attentive and loving toward me.
Am I overthinking and overreacting?
— Still Crying!
Dear Crying: Please, make an appointment with a counselor. Your loving husband seems to be patiently attending to your sadness, while not actually admitting his own role in it.
You will continue to spiral until he demonstrates that he understands the dynamic and works with you to heal.
He should be completely transparent about this relationship, including showing you his phone and agreeing to delete this trophy-file, even though — as you must realize — it is possible to keep, and hide, documents. Rebuilding trust will help you to cope with that reality.
Dear Amy: As a pet groomer, kennel owner, breeder, competition dog sports participant, etc., I read with interest your response to “Sad Pet Mom,” who had recently lost her first dog.
Something I share with clients in this situation: The death, and then the grieving and recovery, is one of the biggest gifts we get from our pets. Because they don’t live as long as we do, we have an opportunity to rehearse processing such a huge and personal loss.
It gives us the experience and resilience to process the inevitable loss of family and friends. This is their final gift.
— Bonnie
Dear Bonnie: Thank you for offering this perspective.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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