Ask Amy: This is the update from a writer that I found most moving

Dear Readers: Like you, I’m often curious about what happens to the advice I offer once it leaves my desk, and so I’ve asked readers to send in updates.

Of all of that I’ve received, today’s update has moved me the most.

The original Q&A is printed below, followed by the update.

Dear Amy: I’m an adult man, nearing 50, with a very difficult family history. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. I lived with my mother and stepfather.

Their relationship was quite twisted, and when I was 14 and 15 he sexually molested me, with my mother’s knowledge.

I have done lots of healing about this, and today I have a great life.

My question is: Now that my mother and biological father are elderly (my stepfather committed suicide), what kind of “allegiance” do I owe my parents, in terms of caring for them in their declining years?

I have been on my own since leaving home at 15. The thought of spending time and money on two people who were poor parents makes me angry. Then comes the guilt.

What’s your perspective on this?

Wounded Son

Dear Son: If assisting your parents would further your healing, then you should do it. Rising above the horror show of your childhood to support your abusers would be an extraordinary act of grace. However, I don’t think you should consider yourself a failure if you can’t reach this extremely high standard.

You don’t illuminate your relationship with your father, but my perspective is that the fact that they have survived long enough to be elderly should not confer any more obligation upon you than when you were an abused 15-year-old victim — with no parents to protect and support you.