Ask Amy: We’re hurt by what her family says was her last wish

Dear Amy: An elderly person in our small community has just died. Those in my generation have known her for our entire lives.

One of her sons was in my class in our small high school. She was extremely active in our church, and as her health started failing, we did what we could to visit with her and be helpful to her family.

This probably sounds like a silly problem, but her family has decided not to have any kind of service for her. They said this was her wish.

Some of us in town are somewhat surprised and feeling a little hurt about this.

I’d like to encourage the family to have a memorial service of some kind, but that seems like an overreach.

What do you think?

– Sad

Dear Sad: Telling a family what to do after the death of a parent in order to soothe the community is definitely an overreach.

You and other members of your community might want to hold a simple, non-religious sharing circle (for lack of another term) as a way to mark your friend’s passing. Perhaps you could plant a tree in a prominent space and dedicate it to her (her children might want to attend, if they are local).

Dear Amy: I am a retired older woman. I’ve been chained to my sister “Janet” my entire life.

We were treated as one person growing up and were expected to share everything. I believe our relationship was extremely unbalanced because I did all of the sharing, and Janet, the taking.

Janet grew up to be arrogant and thoughtless. She always felt she was the most beautiful person in the room.

I married young and had a family and career; she had a career, multiple marriages and no children.

I have a lot of anxiety when I remember how badly she treated me.

I never told our parents how she behaved when we shared a dorm room in college. I don’t believe in betraying confidences, even if I am the victim. My family was unaware of her games.

I helped Janet through her multiple divorces, did her homework in college, helped her find a career and always invited her to join me on vacation. She never reciprocated.

On our last vacation with my family, she secretly played her entitlement over me when we shared a room. I do not want to continue being her only friend and companion.

We do not live near each other, and I am thankful for that.