Been ghosted? Exit surveys are the empowering new dating trend to try

It is a well-worn scenario: You’re chatting to someone new. Maybe you’ve gone on a date or two, and then, one day, they seemingly cease to exist. Being ghosted sucks, there’s no doubt about it. But you’re not alone. 

A 2016 survey found that a whopping 80% of 18 to 33-year-olds have been ghosted at one point or another – but now daters are starting to fight back. Enter: the exit survey. 

The exit survey is a new dating trend, made popular on TikTok with the term receiving over 1.6 billion views. One of the more popular videos, posted by user @stefdag, sees her explain that she was recently ghosted by a man she “didn’t even like”. 

She then explained that she had decided to create an “exit survey” to send to the man who ghosted her. In a similar vein to to exit interviews you may undergo at a job (but certainly not similar questions), the survey included questions such as “please provide a one to two sentence example of why”, and “please circle if I am cute, hot, sexy, or pretty (can and must circle all four)”. She also asked her ghoster to send her a list of his ex’s numbers as well as his mother’s so they could “start a group chat”.

Stef isn’t the only dater who’s sent an exit survey as another user, Shanna from Nashville in the US who posts under the username @riesling4prez, sent her ghoster a survey with questions such as “why did you ghost Shanna?” and “what could Shanna do to stop getting ghosted?”. 

Shanna also asked her former flame to “tell her one thing before she forgets who he is” and for him to rate her personality and looks. In a follow-up video Shanna revealed that her ghoster had answered the questions, citing the reason for ghosting as: “I caught feelings too fast and don’t know what feelings are.” He also told Shanna to “date women because men are dumb”.

While sending an exit survey may feel like an empowering move, dating coach Hayley Quinn suggests taking a moment to consider your motivations behind following the dating trend before sending off the message. 

“Is it because you want to show someone how angry or upset you are? To loop them into starting the conversation with you again?” she says, adding that it’s best to send it knowing that the receiver has already shown that they are not able to meet your needs. 

“Don’t take ghosting personally,” she advises. “It isn’t a reflection of how smart, sexy or fun you are. Instead it’s a reflection of how capable your date is, at this point in their lives, to communicate and to sustain a relationship. If the person you dated has ghosted you, they don’t have these key relationship building qualities.”

Quinn says that one of the main reasons that people ghost is because they “don’t want to have to deal with the emotional fallout of explaining to someone what their reasons are for no longer wanting to date them” or that they, in some misguided sense, think they are sparing someone’s feelings. “Some people may even intend to break-up with someone ‘properly’ but then procrastinate to the point it would be awkward to follow it up on a message,” she adds. 

If you’ve been ghosted, sending off an exit survey can be a way to take the power back – but don’t expect closure. Just know that you’re better off without them.