Boebert Watch: Ways to Prepare for Policy-Making

Given how many times Boebert repeats the word “conservative,” she apparently believes that part of her new role is to make it clear exactly how partisan she considers it.

The GOP’s move was a curious one, given the state of the party today. There was no dearth of alternatives to Boebert for this slot — after all, three out of the four Kansas representatives are Republican, as are all of the reps from Oklahoma and Nebraska. Perhaps it was meant to solidify and support the vestiges of red left in Colorado. Or act as a boost for a candidate whose weakness as an incumbent was just on national display.

Or was it like putting six-year-olds in charge of a plate of cookies meant for adult company — the hope being that the responsibility itself is enough to motivate them to, you know, not scarf the cookies down themselves and then lie about it?

According to Republican Policy Committee Chairman Gary Palmer, “Congresswoman Boebert will play an important role in promoting effective policies that benefit all Americans. Her focus on action and desire for results will be valuable assets on our team as we work to provide sound ideas for the Republican Conference to support.” If Boebert actually had a record of “action” or a “desire for results” rather than performative grandstanding and shit-stirring, this assertion might make sense.

So might her appointment to the RPC, whose 23 members are meant to advise the Republican Conference on issues facing the U.S. House.

But historically, policy analysis has not been Boebert’s bailiwick. She hasn’t shown the intellectual ability to grasp matters of state, much less communicate them effectively. She’s never met a policy that she didn’t seem to address through incoherent shouting.

On the bright side, at least she’ll get to partake in the RPC’s weekly policy lunch. Because, hey, free sandwiches.

But since she’ll be eating them at the political adult table, we decided to serve up some topics that Boebert should consider in preparation for her coming advisory role:

Review the Separation of Church and State
We know you’re “tired of the whole separation of church and state” thing, Representative Boebert, but it’s foundational to America, so, you know, sort of a thing. It’s hypocritical to refer to the Founders as near-deities and consider the Second Amendment as Gospel, while at the same time saying that other founding policies are bullshit. Either you’re a constructionist or you’re not.

Speaking of the Second Amendment…
Everyone knows that the reason you got elected to the seat that you currently occupy — not to mention got re-elected after one remarkable-for-all-the-wrong-reasons term in office — was guns. To be fair, you’ve made no secret that this is your central issue. But in the coming years, it’s going to be politically wise for the GOP to be a little more reasonable as to what constitutes “well-regulated.” And that’s probably also the only way you’ll last much longer in Congress and become the Western leader that you pretend to be. The GOP’s national leadership is slowly recognizing that more and more American voters are slipping through their cold, dead fingers as they clutch to absolutism regarding firearms. The death toll reflected in gun violence is climbing, and that calls for changes in how to deal with the issue, no matter what side of the debate we’re on. In short: The extremism is going to have to get a little less extreme in order not to become more and more inconsequential.

Stress the Need for a GOP Platform
For the last six years, the Republican platform has essentially been whatever the fuck Donald Trump just said, and how it can be spun so as not to seem completely antithetical to American democracy. That is abnormal and dangerous, to put it mildly. It’s also a losing strategy in the long run, which is the coffee that GOP operatives are just waking up to smell. If you can’t stand for something, you stand for nothing — which is exactly the Trumpian gambit that the RNC adopted officially in 2020.

What Would Jesus Actually Do?
Not to get all religious up in here, Representative Boebert, but you portray yourself as a Christian. You offer prayers during times of great tragedy, you pray on stage at your rallies, and some of your rallies even take place in churches. Putting guns aside for the moment (and putting them aside is exactly what Jesus would probably advise doing), you might want to examine that golden rule one more time. Or Matthew 25:41, where he talks about feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless, caring for the sick. We’re talking about the liturgical Jesus here, not white Jesus who loves ’Murica and gives a wink and a nod to racial division and tribalism and holy violence ratified by false-flag patriotism. Again, this is a matter of consistency. If you’re going to identify as a Christian, love your neighbors — all of them — without judgment. Now that you’re on the RPC, you can offer more than your thoughts and prayers when a tragedy like the Club Q shooting happens. You can effect policy for the greater good, and you have a duty to do so.

Stop the Swagger
It must have been intoxicating for you to go from being a would-be internet model and small restaurateur in Rifle to a U.S. Representative, so we can understand that you wanted to get comfy in the new digs before doing substantive work. But the bombast needs to end here, in your almost-lost second term. There’s a reason that the midterm election was so close: Even your conservative constituents are tired of your egotist shtick. And really, aren’t you? Wouldn’t it be a relief to stop pretending that you’re high school cool and enter the more interesting world of honest intellectual curiosity? You’d save so much time, not producing internet shows or smirking videos as you walk through D.C. or tweeting constantly and sarcastically like an incredibly insecure and attention-thirsty eighth-grader. Here’s your lesson from the 2022 elections: No one likes the mean girl. Even other mean girls. And part of the privilege of being at the adult table is that you must stop acting like a child.

There will be lots of opportunities for true representation and inspiring leadership in the years to come. All of which, if history is any indication, you will ignore.

Please, Representative Boebert, prove us wrong.