Border patrol: Personal boudaries are vital in love, says Simran Mangharam

Should yelling be acceptable? Of course not. Should each partner get to decide how to spend their money? Certainly. Should both partners get to spend solo quality time with family and friends? Sure. But when does personal splurging cross the line into recklessness? How many outings with friends is okay, while the other partner stays home with a child or ailing parent? These are the grey areas that can become charged with emotion and difficult to navigate.

To make matters more complicated, boundaries can be crossed without one noticing. Suddenly a way of doing something becomes the way that thing is done, and a struggle to define how you want to be treated in a relationship can begin to sound unreasonable.

That’s why I thought it wise when a young couple came to me recently, six months into their marriage, wanting help in this department. They were already struggling to juggle the needs of their parents. (Both are only children, and both sets of parents live in the same city). There were other tangles too. The wife felt she was handling too much of the hosting duties when they had guests over. The husband wanted a brightly lit living room in the evenings, while the wife preferred dull lighting.

A good first step, I always say, is to pin it down to numbers. One meal a week with each set of parents. A 40-60 split on the chores ahead of a party (with the imbalance ideally being evened out elsewhere). But this is only a clinical first step, ideal for questions involving extended family or a distinct personality trait or habit.

The true answer comes when each partner addresses the real question: Why is this an issue for me? Often, there is baggage from one’s earlier life at play. Sometimes it’s a question of not feeling heard.

The long-term approach that I recommend is for both partners to operate from a point of empathy, trust and kindness. Allow solutions to emerge not from an attempt to adjudicate but from a wish to leave both sides feeling respected and accommodated.

Aim for clear, calm, honest communication. This is important because, in the absence of such discussion, the assumption is: They don’t love me / respect me enough to do this. At the same time, it’s important to remember that, when it comes to boundaries, accommodating too much of a partner’s requests at the cost of one’s own becomes a boundary issue in itself.

Expect the new boundaries to seem strange, almost stilted, at first. If you’re both happy with the new arrangement in theory, give it time. Don’t let the lure of the familiar derail your efforts. If a partner defaults to earlier habits, offer gentle but consistent reminders. Respond with grace if such reminders come your way. After all, if a boundary was important enough to lay down, it’s important enough to protect.

Now, there are some people probably shaking their heads, thinking, must everything involve such negotiation these days? I’d like to point out that every relationship has boundaries, and develops more of them over time. When people live together, in intimate proximity, lines will form. It is in your interests, and the interests of your relationship (assuming that the aim is a well-balanced bond), to actively decide where these lines should lie, rather than noticing that they need to be moved after they’ve become set in stone.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on [email protected])