Natalie writes: My husband has met a new lady friend. We got through COVID without killing each other (or the kids), but this year has been horrible.
I’m totally stressed out that in November our home loan repayments will jump $1200 a month and so I’ve been telling him we need to buckle down and stop spending. But he has no idea about money. In fact, just to tick me off, a few months ago he joined a very expensive gym which he flat-out refuses to drop. And today I’ve learned that he’s been messaging a woman there that he “trains” with. I’m at boiling point and I want him to leave. But what do I do then?
Barefoot responds: I am not a relationship counsellor.
However, I’ve helped enough people in your situation to know one thing for sure: after the initial shock wears off, you’ll know in your gut whether it’s going to work out … or not.
And if you decide it’s over, here is what you do next.
First, lock everything down. Change all your passwords and PINs and lock down your phone’s privacy and location tracking settings. Then find as much financial information as you can: you’re looking for copies of your marriage and birth certificates, and any information on shares, property or superannuation.
Second, call your bank’s hardship department.
Let them know what’s going on (and if there’s been any family violence tell them that too). Ask them to put a freeze on all joint accounts, including credit cards. And if you have a redraw or a line of credit on your home loan, have them change it so you both have to sign before making transactions. Then, open a new bank account in your name he can’t access.
Third, see a family lawyer.
Actually, you should meet with a family lawyer even if you’re still sitting on the fence with the relationship. The first meeting will be free and you’ll be able to get answers to many of the questions that are swirling around in your head as you lie in bed at night.
Finally, whatever happens, make sure you reach out for support. It sounds like the next 12 months could be rough and you don’t need to do it on your own.
Barefoot Investor: What motivates monetary manipulation in religious cults and abusive relationships?
Borrowing binge appeals
Debbie says: I feel a bit disturbed about a financial strategy that recently came to my attention.
It says if you don’t have any children (or don’t plan to, which is becoming more common) and are therefore not worried about what you might pass on to your children when you die, then you should borrow as much money as you can and pay back as little as possible.
Get a mortgage to buy a beautiful house, get loans to go on holidays, buy things that bring you joy and live it up a little. Just enjoy your life to the fullest without worrying about working too much.
Just pay back a little to keep the lender off your back but don’t worry about how much you are borrowing, or how much interest it would add up to over the years — because you get the money, spend it, enjoy it and then you die with no one left to pay the debt.
Win! Or is it?
Barefoot responds: This is the sort of “strategy” that people come up with at the pub … after six pints.
It is true that if you die without enough to repay your debts, they’ll generally be forgiven. (Though not if the debt is in joint names – the lender will chase the surviving person.)
Sounds simple, right? It most certainly is not.
Can you imagine how it would be to be old and financially stressed about keeping up your repayments? To be getting hassled by banks or debt collectors?
Besides, the vast majority of people want to leave a legacy, or at least square the ledger before they meet their maker.
Record of Dad’s love
Nathan writes: Last year on Father’s Day you advised readers to sit down with their father and ask them five questions on video.
My father was 75 and was over for dinner on Father’s Day so I did this and recorded his answers.
Two months later he was diagnosed with stage four prostate cancer, and last week he passed away after a four-month battle.
Tomorrow is his funeral and we will play this video. This footage is the last video of my father truly happy without the fear of a terminal cancer diagnosis. My family and I cannot thank you enough for giving me the idea to ask my father these questions, and I strongly urge everyone to do the same as we truly cherish this video.
Barefoot responds: I’m really sorry for your loss.
However, I’m thankful you’ve given me the opportunity to give people a nudge to do what I call the “ultimate Father’s Day present”.
If you’re lucky enough to have your father (or mother) still with you, whip out your phone, hit record and ask them the following questions:
How did you meet Mum/Dad?
What advice can you share with me about money, life and happiness?
What does being a dad/mum mean to you?
What are you most proud of?
How would you like to be remembered?
There are a few things in life that cost nothing but are truly priceless. You now have one of them.
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