Childhood experiences that can cause codependency in adulthood

We often mistake codependency to be the feeling of needing people to rely on – however, the core feeling in codependency is the sense of feeling no identity, no purpose and no sense of self. When this feeling creeps in, we start to feel codependent on others. This often stems from the way we have been brought up in childhood. “When you don’t get your needs met in childhood, your body will do whatever it needs to do to find a way to get them met. If that means over-relying on others for a sense of safety and for a sense of purpose then that’s what it’s going to do. Because remember: The body doesn’t care to keep you happy, the body cares to keep you safe,” wrote Therapist Morgan Pommells as she explained why codependency happens.

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Morgan Pommells further explained the two types of codependency and their patterns – “In the over-functioner subtype, you can develop an identity of being a caretaker and a savior. In the under-functioner subtype, you can develop the identity of being a person who needs to be saved or needs to be cared for.” She further noted down a few childhood experiences that can lead to codependency in adulthood:

Watching a parent struggle: When we see a parent struggle with their financial needs or physical or mental situations, we dream of the day we can step in and help. This makes us want to develop a purpose that is solely dependent on others.

Parents who lash out: Having dysfunctional caregivers and parents who often lash out at us makes us wonder if we are too much, and hence we downplay our own needs and expectations.

Family dysfunction impacting siblings: When we start to see that the family dysfunction is having a negative impact on our siblings, we start to step in as the protector for the sibling. This makes us have a relational identity of a caretaker.

Emotional and physical neglect: When we start to realise that we are not being loved and attended to, we develop a sense of being overly reliant on people so as to not be neglected.

Experiencing harm: In dysfunctional families, often children are subjected to harm by one parent without the other parent stepping in. This makes the child feel that they are not worthy to be saved. Hence, the series of unhealthy relationships later in life follows.