‘Choking’ during sex is on the rise – we need sex education about consent more than ever

However, researchers also advised sex educators to use these memes to “generate class discussions, share interpretations, and challenge assumptions that sexual choking is safe”. As it stands, experts have warned that there is “no safe way” to engage in the practice without risking permanent brain injury or even death. 

“The lightheaded effect from choking supposedly intensifies erotic pleasure, but that’s not why it’s so common for men to do it to women.”

Wendy*, 31, a former sex worker, says that her clients would nearly always hit and choke her but would never ask permission. “When they started doing it, I didn’t know if I was just gonna be another statistic,” she says. “Because they’ve paid you, they don’t see you as a real person. It’s a fantasy from porn that they finally get to act out, and they don’t care if it hurts you.” 

Wendy adds that while she knows that the lightheaded effect from choking supposedly intensifies erotic pleasure, that’s not why it has become so common for men to do it to women. “We all know why they want to do it,” she says. “If they were doing it for your benefit, they’d ensure you actually wanted to.”

Hannah also says that Connor hadn’t asked to choke or spank her, nor if she was even okay. “Connor was someone I had to see lots at uni after we had sex, so I tried not to think too deeply about the implications of what had happened,” Hannah explains. “I just put it down as a ‘grey area’ as I’d said yes to having sex with him at the start.” 

Currently, university consent lessons give little scope for discussing such grey areas. Although Hannah reluctantly accepts the sex with Connor was “consensual” in legal terms, she says that we need to think carefully about how this may normalise violent or coercive sex. “Truthfully, I wouldn’t have said yes if I knew he was going to choke me, and I think he knew that too,” Hannah says. “That’s why he didn’t bother to ask me, and that doesn’t feel very consensual to me.”

“Abstinence-only sex education routinely fails to equip young people with the knowledge and empowerment necessary to navigate complex – and sometimes experimental – sexual relationships.”

It’s clear that the lack of transparent education around kink exploration has resulted in masses of misinformation about choking and sexual safety. So, what can we do to address this? As sexual acts like choking have become increasingly prolific and normalised amongst young people, sex educators like Dr Yvonne K. Fulbright are calling for a reformed curriculum that includes a discussion on kinks and violence. By addressing the risks involved in these sexual behaviours, Fulbright says that “people can better assess whether some kinks and potential pleasures should even be navigated given risk or consider them better left unexplored.”

Abstinence-only sex education routinely fails to equip young people with the knowledge and empowerment necessary to navigate complex – and sometimes experimental – sexual relationships, but so does refraining from discussing kinks like choking. As Plumb, Fulbright, and other researchers highlight, creating spaces to hold informed discussions about these topics is the only way forward. 

Far from Cates’ claims that these sorts of lessons are currently ongoing in schools, incorporating more nuanced into the RSE curriculum will only help develop awareness about the dangers associated with risky sexual acts but also a wider discussion about where these desires come from. 

When violence against women is continuously glorified in the media, in porn, and even perpetuated by the police themselves, how can we expect young men to know better without proper intervention? When we give young people the tools to deconstruct the origins of their fantasies, we can help empower more women to say no too. And at this point, that’s a necessity. 

For more information about reporting and recovering from rape and sexual abuse, you can contact Rape Crisis.**

If you have been sexually assaulted, you can find your nearest Sexual Assault Referral Centre here. You can also find support at your local GP, voluntary organisations such as Rape Crisis, Women’s Aid, and Victim Support, and you can report it to the police (if you choose) here.**