Dating someone with anxiety? Tips to make your partner feel safe and understood

Is your partner’s anxiety making you feel you are not doing enough for them? People who are dating someone with anxiety may struggle to communicate with their partner in a way that makes them feel secure and understood. It takes time, effort, understanding and a will to find a communication technique that makes them feel heard. Every individual is different and may have their own set of challenges. (Also read: Tips to reconnect with your partner)

People with anxiety usually have a lot of fear, self-doubt, hesitation, restlessness that can make their partner extra careful in putting across their words and sometimes this makes a conversation all the more difficult and affect a relationship. However, seeing things from the perspective of your partner can help. Acknowledging their struggles, letting them stay silent, not taking their reaction personally and encouraging them to seek help can help you communicate with them effectively.

Psychologist Dr Jenn Anders shares tips on how to help your partner with anxiety feel safe with you:

Believe that their struggle is real

Many people may be tempted to tell their partner that they should think positive, be more brave, less restless and believe in themselves. However, this will not help them feel positive. In fact, they could feel the opposite. If you really want to help your partner, try to put yourself in their shoes and make sense of their struggle.

“It all starts with acknowledging their struggle. No one wants to feel like their emotions are invalid. Accept that their emotions are real and that they struggle with something that is currently out of their control,” says Dr Anders.

Do not reject your partner’s feelings

When you don’t understand things from your partner’s perspective, you will try to change things about them and this will further make them distant from you. Accept them and accept their emotions.

“I cannot stress the importance of not minimizing your partner’s feelings. When we minimize their experience, we tell them that:

A. they should not be struggling and B. their feelings are invalid. We want to do everything we can to help our partners feel safe and supported,” says the psychologist.

Encourage your partner to talk about their true feelings

As much as you want to avoid talking about the issues that may make your partner upset, it’s important to discuss them in a safe environment. Encouraging them to open up is even better.

“Anxiety can be scary, it can make you want to avoid talking about it. Nevertheless, one of the most important ways to cope with anxiety in a relationship is to talk about it openly, honestly, and directly with your partner. Encourage them to open up about it, listen without judgment,” says Dr Anders.

Don’t take their anxiety personally

“Helping your partner feel safe with you is the best way to get them to open up. If you take their anxiety personally you will be more likely to retaliate. Instead of letting their anxious comments rile you up; take a moment to calm down and remind yourself that their anxiety is most likely not about you. It is about your partner (even if they try to make it about you). You can lead with something like this “I am sorry you feel that way. It must be so scary. Is there anything we can do to help you feel better about ______.” says Dr Anders.

Seek help

“There is a big difference between supporting your partner and becoming your partner’s support. Most likely, you did not sign up to be your partner’s therapist. When their anxiety flares up it is important to remember what your job is as a support and where it ends,” says the expert.