Dealing with déjà vu in your love life

Picture this. You’re taking a stroll in a park or dining at a restaurant in the city with your partner, when it suddenly dawns on you that you have done all of this before, but with someone else! This experience of a déjà vu, meaning a feeling of familiarity when doing something with your current partner, is quite normal, many say. But the question is, to what extent?

Take for instance Meghna Bansal, a lawyer from Bengaluru. She shares: “My boyfriend booked us a great winter holiday at a resort in Coorg (Karnataka). When he started narrating how he had come here before with a female friend, I figured an ex, it hit me hard. He could have easily booked us another hotel! Though, he assured me he loved the vibe of the place and memories didn’t make much of a difference.”

On the other hand, for Chaitanya Pathak, it was comforting, “I started dating this new girl and we hung out a lot and texted all the time and we were very much into each other. There were moments that were too similar to the moments I had with my ex. It felt weird but comforting at the same moment so I kept leaning into it.”

But what does it mean for your current relationship? It all depends on the feelings evoked by the déjà vu, “If the familiar situation evokes a sense of comfort, or happiness, take it as a positive and affirming sign. Also, it has more to do with you as a person and not the exl,” says Priyanka Jangra, a marketing professional who has experienced this.

While it may seem normal to recollect past memories, it is essential for a couple to understand if this is a frequent occurrence for either partner. “The healthy thing to do would be to let the past stay in the past. But if you are at a point where your partner can’t let go of what happened, it only sets both up for heartache. And that’s a sign that it’s time to take care of yourself,” says Kanika Khosla, a psychologist.

When getting into a relationship, it is important to trust your gut. Paying attention to déjà vu means paying attention to what your subconscious self is telling you. “In case you find yourself continuously reminiscing the moments spent with your ex, have an open discussion with your current partner. Let them know that you need a little more time to completely move on from your previous relationship, and that this may not be the right time for you to be entering a new one,” adds Khosla.

Experts also believe one must give themselves an appropriate time frame to heal from a past relationship, rather than jumping right into a new one. “Acknowledge that the feeling [déjà vu] is natural and not to be feared, but resist the urge of getting rid of the feeling as it only makes things worse. Establish new and meaningful friendships, utilise your free time doing more productive activities and see how things pan out for you. It may take somewhere between six months to a year before you are able to move on completely,” believes Khosla.

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