DEAR ABBY: I am adopted, and 10 years ago I met my birth mom and her family. I go to their family gatherings and see them for holidays.
I am getting married, and I’ve asked my birth mom to be my matron of honor, which my parents are OK with.
After the ceremony, we are going to have a reception at the church and then a dinner with 20 people hours later. I’m not sure if I should invite my birth mom to the dinner or not. My parents said it might be awkward for her and for them.
I am just trying to do the right thing. What should I do?
NERVOUS IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR NERVOUS: This is something you should discuss with your birth mother. While one would think that as part of the wedding party she would be welcome at all of the festivities, if it would make the couple who raised you uncomfortable, she should understand why she isn’t being asked to attend.
DEAR ABBY: My son is dating a girl I can’t stand. I’m not too crazy about my son right now, either.
I no longer want to be out in public with them because their public displays of affection are so over the top it makes me ill. I cannot imagine spending every holiday, birthday or whatever with them for the rest of my life.
He hasn’t told us anything about this person. We don’t even know her last name. Help!
TURNED-OFF MOM IN INDIANA
DEAR MOM: You didn’t mention your son’s age or how long he has been involved with this young woman. It appears they are both quite young. Romances that burn with this kind of intensity usually cool down fairly quickly.
In the meantime, be patient. Say nothing that will cause you to be perceived as the “enemy.”
If you would like more information about the girl, ask her in a non-threatening way. (“Are you a schoolmate?” “Do you have a last name?” “Does your family live in town?”) Then make sure your son knows how to protect them both from unwanted pregnancy and STDs “should the need arise,” and wait them out.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 49-year-old mother of 10. I always loved my kids dearly and tried my best. But I wanted to be a friend rather than a disciplinarian, and I always gave in.
I assumed that because my husband and I never did bad things around them while they were growing up, and because I always resisted peer pressure when I was a teenager, they would follow in our footsteps, but I was wrong.
They are now mean to me, and most of them hate me.
I sometimes feel like I don’t want to go on because I’ll always feel sad and depressed. I can’t remember the last time I was happy and didn’t dread waking up every morning.
Please find time to answer and give me some hope again.
BROKEN IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR BROKEN: It’s time you stopped depending on your children to validate you, and began recognizing that, for better or worse, you did the best you could as a parent.
Please discuss this with your religious adviser and your physician. You need more help than I can offer in a letter, but those are the places to start. There are better days ahead.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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