Disagreement with partner? Here’s what you can do

Relationships, after the initial phase of butterflies and romance, becomes a journey of choosing each other, understanding each other and nurturing each other. Easier said than done, this is the phase where relationships take a lot of effort from both the partners in accepting each other the way they are, understanding their unresolved traumas and their childhood and letting each other grow. Disagreements, an integral part of relationships, are healthy. Having individual opinions and the space to declare them, without running the scare of losing each other is the sign of a healthy relationship. However, disagreements are not always seen to be healthy. Sometimes, when people have gone through the trauma of being in homes with painful experiences, disagreements act as a trigger for them. Especially if they have seen their own parents fight, separate or them giving the child the silent treatment to detach themselves, it acts as a way of making them feel that conflicts are not a safe space to be. Hence, the relationship turns toxic.

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Psychologist Nicole LePera addressed the issue of disagreements, the traumas that trigger it and the way one should behave in order to respect the differences and embrace the dissimilarities. She wrote, “The truth is, disagreements are healthy, natural parts of relationships. And, when we learn how to communicate— they can actually help us have deeper levels of connection with a partner.”

Don’t try to win, try to fix – When we try to bring up age-old situations and keep score of who fought more, it comes from the intense urge of winning the argument against our partner. But often, we miss out on the bigger picture – we lose the person we love.

Take your space – The emotional upheaval makes us want to say things which we don’t mean – this further leads to guilt and regret. It’s okay to ask space from your partner, calm yourself down and then come back and have a healthy discussion.

Allow clarification – Often, our overthinking makes us conjure up scenarios that do not exist. Practice saying – “The story I am telling myself is..” That way, the partner has a space to clarify and fix the problem.

Address the deeper problem – sometimes, disagreements start with not doing the chores or something more minimal, but they usually come from a deeper space of being neglected or being not appreciated enough. Appreciation goes a long way – practice it for a healthy relationship.

Walk past the ego – Keep the ego and the urge to win aside and own your impact. Sometimes, a small apology or consideration helps in saving the relationship and keeping the mental health in place.

Understand their past – It is recommended to analyse where their behavior is coming from. Some of their behaviors may reflect their unresolved trauma or their painful past. It’s okay to not understand what they have been to – but its important to be compassionate and considerate.

Notice the lens – Sometimes we have a perspective set for our partner, and hence, no matter what they do, we always judge them through that lens. It’s important to re-evaluate the relationship time and again and have a healthy conversation.