Divided we fall: When separation anxiety cripples relationships

Billie Eillish’s recent revelation about her “crippling, life-changing separation anxiety” has brought the spotlight on this often neglected disorder. The 20-year-old shared in an interview that she slept in the same bed as her parents until she was 11: “I couldn’t be away from my parents. I was worried about what would happen to them… what would happen to me. I was worried about being forgotten.”

Separation anxiety is when an individual is scared or afraid of being away from their loved ones. While these feelings are natural, they can be alarming when one’s daily functioning starts getting affected. And this is when it gets categorised as a disorder, referred to as separation anxiety disorder (SAD). Although it is most commonly seen in children, SAD falls under a spectrum of anxiety disorders recognised in adults — affecting their relationships, be it with their family, partner or friends. From childhood trauma to genetics, several factors could be behind a person developing the disorder.

“According to research, SAD is one of the most common anxiety disorders, affecting 2-4% of adults across the globe,” says Dr Chandni Tugnait, a psychotherapist. Explaining how it affects one’s relationships during adulthood, occupational therapist Dr Isha Soni says, “Anxiety and fear can make people with SAD more jealous, controlling and possessive in their romantic relationships. Their partners might feel suffocated. Often, a parent experiencing SAD may be over-involved and overprotective in their child’s life, making decisions on their behalf.”

Sharing her experience of living with the disorder, a 28-year-old Delhi-based professional says, “I was unaware that I suffered from SAD till the age of 21. I moved out of my house to a new city. That’s when I could feel crippling anxiety because of leaving my support system (parents) behind. My romantic relationships have also been affected due to this. I’ve always been insecure and possessive about my partners, Eventually, those relationships ended.”

Sailing in the same boat is Srinika Saxena, a 30-year-old content creator, who shares how SAD cast a shadow on her past relationships: “I could never trust a guy because of my over-possessiveness. I always had my doubts, no matter how much they tried earning my trust. This led to several failed relationships,” she tells us, adding that therapy, journaling and meditation helped her heal. The good news is that there are ways to cope with SAD. “With the right treatment, people are able to manage their symptoms and forge healthy relationships,” says Dr Tugnait.