Ever looked at your love life in the rear-view mirror, asks Simran Mangharam

Sachin had been in a number of relationships before. In fact, he said, he hadn’t been single for more than a few weeks since his early 20s. But the relationships were patchy; the longest lasted more than five years, the shortest for six months. He wanted help analysing what kind of a partner he had been to his previous girlfriends. He wanted to know what gaps to fill, how to handle certain situations better, how to be a more sensitive boyfriend.

We used, as a reference point, the previous relationship that had lasted the longest. He was 25 when he first met the woman that became his girlfriend of five years. They met at a party and hit it off immediately. The first year of their relationship was fantastic, he says. They had shared interests and loved each other. She was sensitive and communicative. He always felt understood.

As we looked back together, what emerged was that he had not reciprocated that behaviour. For example, his girlfriend had told him categorically never to bring up the shape of her nose, even in jest. Sachin remembers doing that on at least three occasions. She had mentioned that she did not appreciate him talking about ex-girlfriends, but he did not stop. Looking back, he says, he could see that he took a lot more than he gave in that relationship.

Now, this is the bit most people don’t do, because introspection is hard. And done right, it leads to something even harder: Change. But figuring out what one is doing wrong is how all self-improvement occurs. And from there, it is a clearer road to a more fulfilled life, especially when it comes to relationships.

A good place to start is by asking the questions: Are you taking someone for granted or being taken for granted? Are you sensitive to your partner’s emotional well-being and is your partner sensitive to yours? This balance is necessary for any relationship to prosper. To nurture a relationship, both partners must be willing to look within and admit when some realignment is due. What makes this easier, and I’ve said before in this column, are clear channels of communication.

It’s vital to talk. It is also vital to listen. For instance, Sachin shared with me early on that Dia had told him she would like to take things slow. Four months into the relationship, when he was eager to pop the question, I reminded him of this and encouraged him to wait. We decided that, for the time being, Sachin would just let Dia know with each day he spent with her that he wanted to be with her for life. Three months after this conversation, Dia brought up marriage and now they are engaged.

To my mind, this is the modern-day fairy tale to aspire to: a relationship of equals brought together by love, nurtured not by woodland creatures or magic but by the careful tending of two people who are committed to each other.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on [email protected])