Disclaimer: Even in Hollywood, life seldom happens the way it should. This is the gonzo version of a Hollywood Story.The cloud ceiling had parted, and the sun rays poured in as we rolled into Westwood.
We call it “May Gray” in Los Angeles. While the rest of the country basks in warmer temperatures and sunnier skies, we get chilly weather and clouds as summer dawns. The cooler air actually would prove a burden. I hated standing around sweating in a designer suit.
More than a year had passed since I hosted a premiere, and I couldn’t shake the looming possibility of failure … possibly due to looking like an on-camera Nixonian sweat hog. Had I grown stale? Did the suit still look good? Could I do the interview without my collar going crooked? I tried not to let my anxieties clutter my mind. After all, I had a job to do: my first red carpet with MovieWeb.
Mission: Mark Hamill
I tried to distract myself, discussing the finer points of Eyes Wide Shut with my companion, Matty. He and I had known each other for years, and our mutual love of film had made us bond right away. The two of us spend many nights staying up late debating the filmographies of Kubrick, Zemeckis, Lynch, Scott, Wilder, Nolan, and a host of others. Both of us aspired to executive geek level — Matty by working in production as a cinematographer and sound engineer, and me as an entertainment essayist and journalist. It felt reassuring to have the chance to work with a friend again. It also helped me control my nerves, the only physical incarnation of which was my occasional drumming fingers.
“So what do you know about this movie? The Machine?” I asked as we navigated the Westwood streets. I turned and watched his face from behind my RayBans, my own expression stoic.
“I love Bert Kreischer,” Matty said without hesitation. “He has this podcast with another comedian, Tom Segura. They’re frigging hilarious.” His enthusiasm made me relax a bit more, knowing that I had a cameraman who cherished the assignment. More importantly, going on camera in front of an uncertain number of people (Hundreds? Thousands? More?) made me fret a bit over my looks. If Matty felt confident filming, I could feel comfortable knowing that he would direct me if I needed it, telling me where to stand in the light, if my shirt collar needed adjusting, or some other aesthetic improvement. No doubt, I could always use all the help I could get.
“Good,” I declared, doing my best to sound confident. “In that case, I can fill you in on the mission.”
“We have a mission?” Matty grunted. “Other than, like, doing the carpet?”
“Call it a sub-mission,” I amended. “We have to get Brett, The Machine director Peter Atencio, and other members of the cast for interviews … one in particular. Mark Hamill plays Brett’s dad in the movie.”
“MARK HAMILL!” Matty exclaimed. “He’s gonna be there?”
“That’s the plan,” I smirked. “My editor definitely wants an interview with him. He’s an icon, of course.”
“Dude,” Matty uttered. “You know today is the 40th anniversary of Return of the Jedi, right?”
I turned to face Matty again, my jaw going a bit slack.
“Dude,” I echoed. “That’s cosmic. Meeting Luke Skywalker on the 40th anniversary of Jedi? How cool is that?!”
A Wet Hot American Machine
Minutes later, we ditched Matty’s SUV in a nearby garage, unloaded our equipment, and made our way toward the Regency Village, one of those historic LA cinemas designed to compete with opera houses and theaters around the country. Attending a Hollywood premiere in such grand surroundings added to the mystique and glamour of it all.
On the other hand, walking across Westwood, our bodies loaded down with equipment, was a less than glamorous activity. I could feel perspiration begin to form down my spine, my backpack stocked with audio equipment and my notes slung over my shoulders, the camera box rolling behind me. Matty had his arms full too, between the tripod and the lens case. I prayed that we didn’t look like two loose puddles by the time we found our space on the carpet.
Upon seeing the carpet just outside the Regency Village, I wasn’t sure anyone would notice, even if we were sopping wet.
In my Hollywood career, I had seen or attended many a movie premiere. But I’d never seen anything quite like this. In lieu of the usual step-and-repeat backgrounds and a lighted red carpet, the good people at Sony — the studio behind The Machine — had closed down the street and set up what looked like some kind of college block party.
Food trucks lined either side of the thoroughfare, and a blanket of AstroTurf converted the asphalt into a faux lawn of sorts. An ax-throwing competition graced one side of the road, with a flip-cup game table set up directly across from it. Multiple bars provided free-flowing cocktails, and a troupe of beautiful, young models milled about carrying trays of In-and-Out Burger. A DJ blared ’80s and ’90s rock music, and VIPs already stumbled around laughing, drinks in hand. Matty and I stared at the spread before us, dumbstruck.
“Dude, is this a kegger?” Matty giggled.
“We should be so lucky,” I purred. “I suddenly feel thirsty.”
Burgers, Babes, and Bert
After a quick pat down and luggage check, we’d made it through security, checked in with the publicists, and found our way across the red — or in this case, green — carpet to our interview spot. Sony had assigned us prime real estate, right across from Fox News, and just in front of a hearse. Matty and I glanced at each other as we surveyed our backdrop. At least it was memorable…
“Alright,” I declared, doing my best George S. Patton. “We get our footage, we find Hamill, and we find our seats in the cinema.” A gorgeous female model walked by us, a tray of In-and-Out in hand. She looked me up and down, made eye contact, and winked.
“In and Out?” she offered with a grin.
“No thanks, I don’t want food in my teeth,” I explained. “Matty?” Next to me, Matt had begun assembling the camera and sound equipment. He passed me a microphone with the MovieWeb logo embossed on it.
“I’m good,” Matty said, not looking up from his work. I shrugged at the model, who walked away in a slight huff. Maybe she was offering more than a burger?
The sun peeked out from behind the clouds, resting at a point in the sky to perfectly spotlight us, along with any talent that happened by. I did a quick check of my hair in the side view mirror of the nearby hearse and started recording my intro and outro for the footage. It didn’t take long for the phalanx of publicists to notice, and in no time I chatted with Bert Kreischer himself, his leading lady Iva Babic, and the director of the film, Peter Atencio. All expressed their joy and gratitude at seeing their film hit the big screen, with Kreischer, in particular, very emotional over the opening.
No, I won’t give more than that away here. You want to know what they actually said? Watch the clips at the top of this article. It’s worth it.
“How’s my collar?” I asked Matty as we parted company with Peter Atencio.
“Looks great!” Matty assured me as he stared at the monitor, adjusting the angle of the camera just so.
Stalking Luke Skywalker
Then we got the bad news. One of Sony’s many publicists came over to our interview spread, an apologetic grimace on her face. I knew from her look that I wouldn’t like what was coming.
“Mark’s not doing any press,” the publicist said with a sigh. “He’s here with his family. He just wants to hang out and enjoy himself.”
“Oh, of course,” I offered, concealing my frustration. “I understand! Let him have a good time.” I smiled, but as soon as the publicist had turned her back, my expression melted into a frown.
“I thought Mark Hamill was the priority,” Matty reminded me. “What are you going to do?”
“We’re going to accomplish our mission,” I told him. “Get the camera. Let’s find Luke!” I raised the mic like a sword, as though to lead a charge over a battlefield. Matty grabbed the camera off the tripod and followed me as I waded into the crowd.
We had the good fortune of Sony shooting lots of behind-the-scenes footage on the carpet, so nobody would notice Matty walking around with a camera. I probably stood out more than he did, sneaking around like Scooby-Doo in a Kenneth Cole suit. The resemblance continued as Matty and I wandered into an area of high, rounded bar tables where patrons could stand, sip and eat. I ducked under one of the tables, surveying the area for recognizable faces. Matt looked down at me and laughed.
“Can you even tell who’s-who from down there?” he needled me.
“I’m good with kneecaps,” I quipped, rising just above the edge of the table, spying over it. “Do you see him?”
“That’s a negatory,” Matty uttered, peering through the camera viewfinder.
“Hey, I think I see Lea Thompson and Zoey Deutsch!” I squealed. “We could ask them about Back to the Future and Batgirl.”
“Was one of them in Batgirl?” Matty pressed.
“No,” I explained. “But Zoey tested for it. Given all the drama with that movie, I wonder if she feels like she dodged a bullet.”
“Good question,” Matty observed.
A Crooked Glimpse at What Could’ve Been
Before we could make our way to Lea and Zoey, one of the waitstaff — the same beautiful woman who’d earlier offered us In-and-Out a few minutes before — walked by us again, this time accompanied by a very svelte, chiseled male model, also carrying burgers and fries on his tray.
“You guys sure you don’t want a snack?” she questioned again. I looked at her, then to her male companion, who winked at me too.
“You boys look hungry,” the male model said. Matty and I just stared at him, both of us struck by his great looks. “Last call. They just opened the theater for seating.”
“Actually, I could go for a snack,” Matty started. I gave him a gentle nudge with my elbow.
“Stay focused,” I urged him. I turned back to the waitstaff. “We’re good.” The pair wandered off, looking a bit confused.
“Dude, they were definitely hitting on us,” Matty observed. “And they were both hot.”
“Yeah, but I’m working,” I reminded him. “And I have a mission to accomplish.”
The crowd began to flow towards the open doors of the cinema at the far end of the carpet, cluttering the walkway with bodies. I rushed toward the center of the carpet, standing on my tip-toes to see if I could locate our target. Matty followed, doing the same, using the camera zoom to get a better look at the sea of faces before us. I could feel the panic begin to rage in my chest at the grim realization that we may not accomplish our mission after all.
“Excuse us guys.” The voice came from over my shoulder and sounded familiar. “Great suit!”
“Thank you,” I said as a reflex. Then I turned to see the source of the compliment: a grinning Mark Hamill, dressed in a nondescript plumb-colored suit, making his way through the crowd toward the cinema.
“Mr. Hamill!” I cried out, raising the microphone. “Just one question!”
“Sorry, no press today!” he called back at us.
I stood there, flabbergasted, watching as an icon of the screen smiled at me one last time before disappearing into the crowd. I froze for an instant, then turned to Matty, who also stood there, camera limp in his hand, watching until Mark Hamill vanished into the mob.
“Dude,” Matty said after a moment. “That happened.”
Later that night, following a delightful showing of The Machine which also featured Mark Hamill and Bert Kreischer engaging in some banter before the screening, I sat at home in my boxers, reviewing the footage before bed. I sighed to myself, frustrated that I didn’t get audience time with Mr. Hamill on the 40th Anniversary of Return of the Jedi, but took solace in the interviews we did get. I thought they came out pretty well.
I sat back in my chair, indulging in a moment of self-satisfaction as I watched. Then, as I sat there scrutinizing my questions and mannerisms, it dawned on me…
The rage bubbled in my chest as I stood up, fists clenched shouting to the heavens…
“Gosh dangit, my collar is crooked!”
From Sony Pictures, The Machine is now in theaters.
Stay connected with us on social media platform for instant update click here to join our Twitter, & Facebook
We are now on Telegram. Click here to join our channel (@TechiUpdate) and stay updated with the latest Technology headlines.
For all the latest Education News Click Here
