Frank Cottrell-Boyce: ‘How often do you have sex? Did you really ask Desmond Tutu this question?’

Born in Bootle, Merseyside, Frank Cottrell-Boyce, 63, studied English at Oxford University. He was a TV critic and wrote for Coronation Street, Brookside and Doctor Who. His screenplays include Welcome to Sarajevo (1997), 24 Hour Party People (2002) and Goodbye Christopher Robin (2017). In 2012, he and Danny Boyle devised the London Olympics opening ceremony. Millions, his debut children’s novel, won the 2004 Carnegie medal and was made into a film; his new book, The Wonder Brothers, is out now. He is married with seven children and lives on Merseyside.

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
So many. All childcarers and most primary teachers.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My inability to say no.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Tax avoidance.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
I once found myself chatting to a big handsome bloke at a party in Oslo. I said, “And what do you do?” “Well,” he said, “I am the king.” Being a great wordsmith, I zinged back, “Oh. Errm. Cool.”

Aside from a property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?
I took the whole family to live in the Basque Country for a year. My children and I have a hereditary blood condition so I took out a health insurance policy. I’m still furious that none of us so much as stubbed a toe.

What makes you unhappy?
I’m often sad, but I’m never unhappy.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
The big dark gulf between my elegant and athletic self-image and the unkempt chap in the mirror.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
In my younger days, I bore a passing resemblance to the beautiful Alan Cumming. So much so that one evening at Bafta, a photographer put his arm round me and said, in a concerned voice, “Alan, you look terrible, mate.”

What is your most unappealing habit?
I’m definitely the biggest and most hyperbolic exaggerator in the entire vast universe.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
The dopamine hit I get from my socials. “Quod me nutrit me destruit” to quote Angelina Jolie’s tattoo (according to my Instagram).

What does love feel like?
The unguiltiest pleasure.

What was the best kiss of your life?
Every single one since November 1981 has been an absolute belter.

Have you ever said ‘I love you’ and not meant it?
I work in the film industry where “I love you” means “Thank you for briefly lending me your Biro”.

Which living person do you most despise, and why?
Does despising help? As Jean Renoir said, the terrible thing is that everybody has their reasons.

What is the worst job you’ve done?
I spent an advent in my late teens throttling turkeys.

How often do you have sex?
Did you really ask Desmond Tutu this question?

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
That it’s impossible to persuade other people of the value of the lessons that life has taught you.

What happens when we die?
It’s all in Matthew chapter 25. Spoiler alert – it involves goats and sheep.

Tell us a joke
Is it really solipsistic in here or is it just me?