From Kate Middleton and Holly Willoughby to Amber Heard, why is silence considered the gold standard of respectability?

Kate Middleton is a “parasite” and Meghan Markle is “a manipulative narcissist” – or at least that’s what two (anonymous) social media accounts would have you believe.

Both women have experienced online abuse for years, with Markle undoubtedly getting the worst of it, and the public has relished the vast disparity between their responses. While the Duchess of Sussex opted for a tell-all interview with none other than Oprah Winfrey (oh, and a Netflix special), the Princess of Wales is repeatedly praised for her “dignified silence” on the matter.

Middleton’s relative silence allows the public to project their values onto her, a luxury that Markle sacrificed to wrestle back some control of the public narrative surrounding her. To speak, or not to speak? The politics surrounding women’s speech have never been so fraught.

In the year since a US court found that Amber Heard defamed the languishing actor Johnny Depp (in 2018, a UK court determined that Depp had abused Heard), the Aquaman star has faced a barrage of online abuse, including death threats.

Bar a few statements released on Instagram; Heard has kept a remarkably low profile – understandably so. She reflected on the price of breaking her silence in a statement, saying, “I defended my truth and in doing so, my life as I knew it was destroyed.”

Patrick van Katwijk

Max Mumby/Indigo

Closer to home, speculation surrounding Philip Schofield’s This Morning exit has reached fever-pitch, with rumours of a long-standing “rift” between him and Holly Willoughby taking up much of the discourse.

Willoughby may have a loyal fanbase, but she hasn’t been immune to the occasional social media onslaught. In the last week alone, social media users have referred to her as a “b[*]tch”, “tarnished by association [with Schofield]”, and demanded her resignation from the ITV show

“We should be wary of praising silence as a means of taking the high road – especially for famous women.”

She has yet to publicly acknowledge the feud rumours or the online abuse. However, in a short statement posted to Instagram, she said, “It’s been over 13 great years presenting This Morning with Phil, and I want to take this opportunity to thank him for all of his knowledge, his experience and his humour. The sofa won’t feel the same without him.”

Anyone who survived the rumour mill of a British secondary school can probably remember being told to take “the high road” rather than respond to gossip. Don’t add fuel to the fire, we were cautioned. Or in the words of my mum, If you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say it all… After all, silence is golden.

This approach was taken to the next level by Michelle Obama during the Democratic National Convention in 2016. In response to Donald Trump’s misogynistic vilification of fellow presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, Obama said, “When someone is cruel or acts like a bully, you don’t stoop to their level. No, our motto is: ‘When they go low, we go high’.”

But we should be wary of praising silence as a means of taking the high road – especially for famous women.

John Phillips

David M. Benett

“The history of silence is central to women’s history,” argues Rebecca Solnit in her book The Mother of All Questions. “Words bring us together,” she writes, noting, “Silence separates us, leaves us bereft of the help or solidarity or just communion that speech can solicit or elicit.”

“Society rewards female silence because it cannot stomach the alternative…”

Society rewards female silence because it cannot stomach the alternative. The Duchess of Sussex didn’t just break her silence; she broke royal convention and, in doing so, magnificently defied expectations of how a ‘proper princess’ – and by extension, a proper woman – should behave. Her bravery sparked a vital debate about racism within the royal family and in society at large, as well as sending a powerful message to young women.

In her words, “Women make up more than half of the world’s population and potential. So it is neither just nor practical for their voices, for our voices, to go unheard at the highest levels of decision-making.”

When Amber Heard described her experience as “a public figure representing domestic abuse (via The Washington Post” – for which she was successfully sued by Johnny Depp – she mounted an enormous challenge to outdated societal perceptions of victimhood. Though the backlash has been extreme, Heard’s plight has resonated with countless survivors of abuse. And that shouldn’t be underestimated.

Much is at stake whenever women choose to speak out about their lives; they risk online abuse, reputational damage, and question marks over their careers. By merely speaking up, their respectability hangs in the balance – regardless of the substance within their words.

While women who maintain dignified silences are worthy of our admiration, their choice shouldn’t be the expectation for all women.

For more from Glamour UK’s Lucy Morgan, follow her on Instagram @lucyalexxandra.