Gaslighting cheat sheet: Red flags to reflect on

Gaslighting is the technique usually used by people in relationships where they try to manipulate the other partner to question their sanity and reasoning. However, it is not so black and white as it looks. Sometimes when people are dismissive of us or engage in activities and words that may offend us, it does not mean that they are trying to manipulate us. On the other hand, gaslighting can involve completely different procedures other than challenging our point of view and making critical comments. Addressing this, Therapist Sadaf Siddiqi wrote, “It can be hard to tell if you’re being gaslighted by someone close to you. It’s not always black and white and often starts in subtle ways.⁣ It can even be unintentional at times (for example: because of someone’s desire to deflect responsibility for a mistake out of embarrassment.⁣”

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Sadaf further noted down the red flags that we need to look out for to understand if we are being a victim of gaslighting:

Feelings are wrong: When we are repeatedly told that the way we are feeling is wrong and there is a certain way they want us to feel, which is right according to them, it is a major red flag.

Conflict between words and actions: We should keep an eye on the words they use and the actions they show – when people are trying to do gaslighting, their words and actions seldom match up.

Shifting the blame: Usually seem as a classic move while gaslighting, people try to shift the blame to the victim and make them feel as if they are the one at fault.

Creating narratives: The easiest way out is to lie and create narratives, making the victim feel that the way they feel is wrong – this is a classic move in gaslighting as well.

Hurtful behaviors: People, when they are trying to do gaslighting, constantly engage in hurtful behaviors. However, they quickly follow it with loving comments, thereby establishing a confusion and not allowing their partner to take stern decisions.