Get stuck in but let them lead: an expert’s guide to playing with your children

Play is a fundamental part of childhood – it is one of the key ways in which children explore the world and engage with people and objects. It occurs throughout childhood, changing as children grow – through moving and shaking objects as babies, then building blocks up and knocking them down, then playing imaginary games with parents and then siblings and friends, to more organised games with rules and playing outside. Play changes again as children get older, and though teenagers and adults don’t often talk about going to play, for many people it remains part of their lives as they age, whether that’s through sports and other games with friends, online gaming, or the more recent resurgence of board games.

Parents are often a child’s first playmate and there is a lot that parents can give in playing with their young children, even very young babies. Through playing with a parent, children can learn about themselves and the world around them, and acquire important skills like taking turns and managing emotions. Playful interactions and having fun together also help strengthen the important relationship between you and your child. This doesn’t just mean sitting on a mat with your baby and their toys. A lot of play in early life happens during day-to-day activities, like a game of peekaboo when getting dressed and blowing bubbles or splashing in the bath.

Here are three things you can do with your child today. (I’ve focused on play with young children as it often gets overlooked, but some of these ideas work well with older children, too, with just a bit of adaptation).

First, get stuck in – you are more important to your child than you realise – and this goes for mums, dads and other carers. Not just for feeding and keeping your child safe but also in influencing their development in multiple ways. There are so many benefits of play for children. One of the most important things we have learned in studying child development over the past 20 years is that children, even very young children, are much more capable of absorbing information and learning than we previously appreciated. The main way in which young children learn is through play – and we see this in much of the animal kingdom as well. Play allows children to explore objects at their own pace, and so absorb and learn new things most effectively. Play is also fun, and having fun encourages your child to come back to a toy or game again and again; this consolidates learning. So, step one is playing and interacting and talking with your child – whenever they are receptive (so basically almost whenever they are awake and not hungry or uncomfortable).

Second, focus on doing things together – the toy or game which you are using is less important than the act of playing together (in fact, fancy, complicated toys are usually no better than simple toys or objects for young children, and are sometimes worse as they get in the way). Young children are often most interested in things that aren’t conventional toys, like boxes and piles of scrunched-up paper. If your child shows an interest in a box, try to seize that moment, and join in with playing with the box, perhaps hiding your face behind it or trying it on as a hat. Playing with your child is a wonderful opportunity to step into your child’s world in the here and now. This can be hard to do when life is hectic and stressful, as it often is when you have young children. But taking these moments, when you can, to focus on what your child is saying and doing, even for short periods, is enormously important for children. It’s one of the main ways in which children learn that they can influence the world around them. And as you do this, talk; talk with your child, but also talk to describe to them what they are doing or what they are looking at. This could be the colour, shape or consistency of the toy you are playing with, how it is moving, or something else it links to in your house. This is important because you are engaging with your child in a fun and enjoyable way and also because (particularly for a young child) interacting with you as their parent is how they hear and learn language (even if they can’t speak it yet). It also shows your child that you are interested in what they are doing; this is hugely rewarding to children and helps to build their confidence.

Third, take time to follow your child’s lead and interest, at least for some of the time. Children are always learning and it’s easy to forget that something like a game which is very familiar to us might be new to them, and they might want to play at a different pace or in a different way to you. For example, with a set of bricks, instead of building them into a tower, they might want to line them up, or imagine them as animals in a park. Slowing down and following your child’s lead also allows them to guide the play, which can have lots of social and cognitive benefits. This doesn’t have to be all the time, there will be times when you need to hurry children up to get somewhere, or to demonstrate how a toy works, but remembering to slow to their pace, at least for part of the time, will allow them choice and to learn different things from you.

These three tips may seem obvious to you and if you are already doing them, then great. There are many different ways for parents to play with their children, and you have to find those that work for you. For some parents it will be more songs and games, for others rough-and-tumble play. But, if you try some of these ideas, particularly following your child’s lead and talking more with them, you may notice new things about your child’s play and capabilities that surprise you, and you’ll be helping them to learn words, social skills and emotions. And if that wasn’t enough, you will hopefully both have fun, too.