‘Ghostlighting’ is the troubling new dating trend we all need to be aware of

If you’ve ever been a victim of ghosting, you’ll know how maddening (and saddening) it can be. But now, there’s another toxic dating trend to contend with – ghostlighting – which combines ghosting with its manipulative big brother… gaslighting.

“At its core, ghostlighting is emblematic of an era where convenience trumps commitment,” says psychologist and relationships adviser Barbara Santini. “It’s a marriage of ghosting – an act of emotional withdrawal – and gaslighting – the art of sowing seeds of doubt. When someone ghostlights, they’re not just exiting your life without notice; they’re also spinning a web of deceit upon return, making you question the very fabric of your relationship.”

For those unfamiliar with the dating dictionary wordage, ‘gaslighting’ is a term used to describe the act of psychological manipulation in order to control and mislead someone in a relationship – while ‘ghosting’ is when someone unexpectedly cuts off all communication within a relationship, causing the other person to feel disrespected and used. ‘Ghostlighting’ combines the two toxic terms in one almightily troubling new trend.

Am I being ghostlighted?

If the person you have been seeing suddenly stops speaking to you, responding to your messages or meeting you for dates, it’s only natural that you might want to ask them why – but if their responses (if any!) try to shift the blame over to you, or make you feel like you’ve been mistaken or are in the wrong, you may be being ghostlighted.

“It normally happens when someone is confronted for ghosting,” says Jamie Johnston, co-founder of inclusive dating app Mattr. “For example, ‘Hey, is everything ok, you seem distant?’ might be met with, ‘Well I thought you didn’t seem interested enough in me’. Their actions are now your fault.”

How to spot signs of ghostlighting

Tina Wilson, relationship expert and founder of dating app Wingman, tells GLAMOUR: “The most common sign is the narrative they will start to create. Often, a ghost lighter in a romantic relationship will manipulate you to make you believe you are portraying an overly needy vibe, and ultimately responsible for pushing them away. Shockingly, they will create a scenario that avoids admitting to any wrongdoing on their part. Other red flag behaviours include catching them in a lie or observing manipulative behaviour in other areas of life that causes confusion or serves their own interests. Clearly, they do not show any care or conscience in their actions, which can be a sign that this pattern extends into other areas of their life, such as their love life. Mixed signals early on in your relationship, especially if those signals cause you to feel confused or question your own sanity, is another red flag.”

Barbara lays out some of the further warning signs you can look out for when it comes to ghostlighting:

• Emotional distantiation: “Even when they’re speaking to you again, there’s an emotional chasm. Their return feels superficial, void of genuine remorse or understanding.”
• Victim card: “They often paint themselves as the victim, alluding to past traumas or current stresses as reasons, diverting attention from their behaviour.”
• Selective memory: “They might feign forgetfulness about shared moments or experiences during their absence, suggesting these never happened or weren’t significant.”