GOOP 2021 Gift Guide: From a Chanel sled to luxury garden hose, it’s … a lot

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Do you ever get the feeling Gwyneth Paltrow is — as the British say — “having us on?”

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Her 2021 Goop Gift Guide recently brought her to Jimmy Kimmel Live and through a non-stop grin she introduced such suggestions as DTF supplements for women ($55) — Kimmel immediately downed four pills; a croissant shaped porcelain tin ($254), Oiishi strawberries ($50 for 11), and leg compression pants worn by Kimmel sidekick Guillermo (price unknown).

“(People) put these on and then 10 years later we’d make fun of them,” said Kimmel of the goofy-looking pants.

Here’s eight more — just call them the Hateful Eight — questionable gifts curated by Goop this year (all in CAN prices.):
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1. Hermès navy box kelly 20 medium bag ($18,677): What Goop calls “an eternal classic,” I call a sizeable down payment on a car.

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2. No 19 trousse de toilette ($503): No matter how chic-looking, a toiletry bag this expensive has got to have special powers. Dental flossing without leaving your bed?
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3. Chanel sled ($10,500): Fashion branding finally reaching its ridiculous limits. Rosebud this ain’t.

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4. Aviteur carry-on ($10,743): If you can afford a $10,000 carry on bag, then maybe airplanes aren’t for you. Maybe some space time with Jeff Bezos is more your speed.
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5. Luxe garden hose kit ($307): A garden hose and the chic apparatus – both in the colour of Eucalpytus no less – to wrap it around. Get hosed price-wise before hosing.

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6. The sex stone ($45) – Made with argan oil, this “melt on contact massage stone is magic in the bedroom,” says Goop. But how exactly do you casually bring up, “Hey, honey, where did you put THE SEX STONE?”
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7. Bubble gum gym ($55,000): For that “rich mom energy,” as Goop calls it. (Or as Bill Hader’s Stefon character on SNL would say): “This pastel pink and blue indoor gym for children has everything including a rock wall, a swing chair, slide and a climbing rope with gold plated details, matte lacquered wood, LED lighting and a soft velvet rug on the bottom.” All that’s missing is a bucket to throw up in.
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8. The Oshēn’s Twelve ($108): “We curated this box specifically for George Clooney, hopefully, he’ll give us a call,” says Goop. What is it? It’s 12 skinless, frozen Atlantic salmon in 6 ounce portions that are “carefully handled, chilled, and frozen within hours of harvest to offer maximum preservation of flavor, texture, color, and nutritional content.” Cringe-level precious.