DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine passed away recently, after asking me to handle all of her affairs.
I quickly stepped in to help, got a lawyer and all of the other things needed to make sure she was set. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, her former partner came to me asking for money. He said he had bought a house with her years before, and he claimed that she owed him money.
This transaction was something I knew nothing about. There were no records of it, either. He couldn’t show me anything, certainly no legal documentation of the loan he said he gave her.
He got mad at me when I told him I couldn’t reimburse him for the loan.
I like this guy, but what was I supposed to do? I referred him to her lawyer, but he just got mad and accused me of stealing his money.
What I did as executor was to distribute the money as she requested, in partnership with the attorney. I don’t know what else to do to satisfy this ex. Should I write him a small check anyway?
Estate Madness
DEAR ESTATE MADNESS: Consult your attorney and follow his or her directions to the letter of the law.
As executor of your friend’s estate, your legal duty is to her. You have the attorney for a reason: to help you take care of her affairs legally. Sadly, there are often high emotions when someone dies, and frequently, people come out of the woodwork asking for money if they believe the deceased had anything to offer.
Your friend’s ex may be telling the truth about the loan. His mistake was not documenting the loan when it was made, and not handling his business with her before she died. For whatever reason, he waited too long.
You can’t fix a problem you don’t actually know exists. Apologize to him for having your hands tied, but do not write him a check. Your friend’s assets are not allocated for that.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I come from a small, close family. I have three siblings, and we are all attentive to our mom, who is in her 90s and frail. She has weathered COVID-19, broken bones and all kinds of other things, and we are grateful that she is still alive.
What we haven’t done is talk about what happens when she passes. I think we don’t want to face the inevitable, but it is worth talking about.
How can I bring it up without being morbid? My sister who lives near her talks about everything else about her care, but never once about what’s next.
Making Plans
DEAR MAKING PLANS: Reach out to your caregiving sister and tell her you think it’s time to talk about the future. Ask her if your mom has ever said what she wants to happen when she dies. You may be surprised to learn that she has shared her plans with someone. If she has, learn about the plan. If not, suggest that you and your other siblings plan a time to talk in the near future to discuss your thoughts.
Most important: Find out if your mom has funds via personal savings or insurance to pay for a funeral and a burial or cremation. If she does not, decide among yourselves how you will handle the expenses, which can be considerable. Think about your mother’s preferences — type of service, music, readings, speakers.
Talk it out so that you have a sense of what she might like. If your mother is of sound mind, ask her directly. This does not have to be a morbid conversation.
Everybody dies, and she knows that. Find out what she wants, if you think she can tell you.
This conversation among your siblings or with your mom does not have to be long and drawn-out, but it is wise to have it before you are living in grief.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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