Harriette Cole: I worry that it was my cruelty that drove my adopted sister away

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel awful about the way I treated my adopted sibling when I was younger.

I am now an adult. I was 5 years old when my mother adopted my foster sister, and she was 11.

I have memories of poking fun at her for being adopted and for looking different than I did.

When she turned 18, she moved away and lost touch with all of us completely.

She recently reached out to my mother in hopes of reconnecting with all of us.

I know that I was very young when she left, but the things I said to her haunt me, and I always wonder if they played a part in her estrangement.

How do I begin to tell her how sorry I am for the way I treated her as a child?

Reconnecting

DEAR RECONNECTING: Start by talking to your mother. Tell her about what you have been remembering and feeling about your sibling. Explain how cruel you were to her and that you know she deserves an apology.

Ask your mother what she remembers about the years your sister spent with you. She likely has her own memories of the way your sister was treated and how you two interacted.

Encourage your mom to welcome your sister back into the family. You both should brace yourselves for her being upset and potentially unable to forgive some of the things that occurred.

Be prepared to listen to her, to hear what she is thinking and feeling and remembering. Do not be quick to talk. When it is your turn, respond first to whatever she has said as openly and lovingly as possible.

Also, be sure to admit to her that as a child you were unwelcoming when she came into your family and you know you were mean to her. Apologize for your behavior, but do not make the moment about you. Let her own the moment.

Find out what she wants and needs, and figure out if you and your mom can give that to her. If she wants to reunite, agree to start fresh.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Most of my friends are my age, but I just added a young friend I met earlier this year at a class I was taking. She is fun and engaging in different ways than my other friends.

I’m sure this is natural, but the challenge comes when I try to bring her around my older friends. They say she is just too young. They shrug her off.

Meanwhile, she and I have done some cool things together, exploring the city and taking interesting classes. I want to do those things with her, and I still want to hang out with my more settled friends.

I feel like my longtime friends are mad that I don’t want to be with them all the time. How can I maintain both friendships?

New Friend

DEAR NEW FRIEND: Look at your schedule and figure out how you can spend time separately with your new friend and your old friends. Don’t choose one over the other. Just plan out your time.

If any of them start to act jealous, let them know you are living your best life, which includes them, just not all of the time.