DEAR HARRIETTE: A guy that I used to date — and remained good friends with — recently told me about his plans to propose to his girlfriend. He was asking for advice.
We have remained friends after our breakup, but I never expected him to seek my input on such an intimate matter. To be honest, it hurt my feelings more than I thought it would. I understand that he values my opinion and trusts me, but I cannot help feeling a bit upset.
I do not want to let my discomfort be too obvious by pulling back. I value our friendship, and I do not want to cause any tension or awkwardness.
Do you have any advice on how I can manage my emotions and continue to be supportive of my friend?
— Uncomfortable
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Tell your friend the truth. You are happy for him and want the best for his life, but you do not feel comfortable helping him figure out his proposal.
Admit that while you have no desire to be in a relationship with him anymore, you also cannot be the one who helps him sort out this event. If he pushes back and says how much he respects your opinion, ask him to respect your heart by not involving you in this detail of his life.
Assure him that you are not abandoning him. You hope to remain friends with him and his wife, but you have to draw the line on helping him sort out the intimate details of his proposal.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to my cousin’s graduation party this past weekend and was reminded that my extended family members aren’t close with one another at all.
I am awkward every time I go to events because I feel as if I am sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers who don’t know me or want to know me. It hurts to see this because I have only one side of the family in the United States, and we all want nothing to do with each other.
I see my best friends’ extended family more than I do my own. They all seem so close, and it’s something I wish I had had growing up.
How can I navigate or create a closer connection with my extended family despite the current distance and lack of closeness?
— Reaching Out
DEAR REACHING OUT: Think about your extended family members individually. Who among them are you drawn to the most? Who stands out as someone who may be amenable to developing a relationship with you now? Select a person and work at cultivating a bond with them.
Be honest. Say that you want to get to know your family better, and you hope they feel the same. Suggest that you two get together outside of the traditional family gatherings. Invite them to a social event that you are attending or just for the two of you to hang out. Make the effort and see what happens over time.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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