Harriette Cole: I’ve endured enough, but he says a vasectomy would be too painful for him

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have two children together. The carrying, birthing and nursing of both children were very painful experiences for me. We do not want any more children.

My husband says that a vasectomy would be too painful for him and is suggesting that I get my tubes tied instead.

I can’t understand how he thinks that’s fair. I’ve experienced the pain of two pregnancies and births, and he’s experienced nothing. How do I make him understand that getting a vasectomy is the least he could do?

— No Empathy

DEAR NO EMPATHY: It may be impossible for a man to fully understand what it takes for a woman to give birth — let alone all the other twists and turns of being a mother.

That said, you can put your foot down. No vasectomy, no sex, or at least no unprotected sex. That may motivate him.

To protect my peace, I’ve already made plans to spend Christmas out of state with my best friend. I told my dad that I won’t be home this year, but he has been doing everything he can to convince me to spend Christmas at home.

Should I tell my family that my real reason for not coming is that I had a terrible time with them last year?

— Harsh Truth

DEAR HARSH TRUTH: I’m a firm believer in addressing the truth as soon as you can. Otherwise, bad feelings fester, and assumptions get made that often make relationships more difficult.

Chances are, your father didn’t mean to upset you last year, and he probably has no idea that the way he interacted with you affected you so dramatically. If you ever want things to change, you must let him know.

Schedule a time to talk to him on the phone. It would be great if it can be a video call so that you can see each other. Be honest and clear as you also try not to be mean. Tell your father that you have made other plans for Christmas because you had such a bad experience last year, and you don’t want to repeat it in any way this year. Tell your dad that your recollection of the visit was a time fraught with negativity.

Remind him that he was unkind and rude to you. Give him examples so he can understand what you mean. Tell him that his comments, in particular, hurt your feelings deeply. So, this year you decided not to put yourself in that situation.

Assure your father that you love him, but this year you will be doing something else. If he wants to try to mend the fence with you, schedule another time when you can get together.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.