DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend told his mother one of my biggest secrets.
The two of them are very close, but I’m deeply upset with him for repeating something I asked him to never share. I feel deeply betrayed and embarrassed.
At first I felt angry enough to consider a breakup, but I’ve since calmed down.
Would I be overreacting if I never told him another secret again? What would the correct response be?
Betrayed
DEAR BETRAYED: The problem with secrets is that too often that confidence is betrayed. There always seems to be someone to confide in, even when you have promised to keep something to yourself. Witness your boyfriend and his mother.
Talk to your boyfriend and make it clear to him how upset you have been about his betrayal. Be sure he understands that this violation of trust makes you question whether it is safe to talk to him about your innermost feelings and your most tender stories. Admit that you are doubting whether you can confide in him anymore. Ask him why he chose to share this secret with his mother after you explicitly asked him not to.
Ultimately, you will have to weigh each situation to decide what you share with your boyfriend. Whenever you reveal something private to anyone, there is a chance that it will be shared with others. Sometimes it is more important to say it anyway. You will have to decide when the revelation is more important than the secrecy.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I subleased an apartment from my friend who had to move unexpectedly. Her cousin and I are splitting the sublease as roommates. I recently found out that her cousin hasn’t been paying as much as I have for rent. I’m upset because I’m a full-time student, so the rent has been a challenge for me. Should I confront them about this?
My friend was doing me a favor by letting me move in because I simply couldn’t afford on-campus housing anymore, but I feel taken advantage of.
Subleasing
DEAR SUBLEASING: Unfortunately, you probably have no rights here. You can check with a lawyer or with housing court, but I doubt they can offer relief. Did you sign a lease, for starters? Very often when people sublease, it is done under the table, so to speak.
While what your friend did — lopsidedly dividing the rent — was not fair, in your eyes, you may not be able to change anything. You can appeal to her humanity. Tell her that you just learned that her cousin is paying less than you are paying. Point out that it is a stretch for you to pay the amount you agreed to, given your student status. Ask her if she would consider rebalancing the amount you pay.
If you really cannot afford to pay this rent, you may want to look for another home. If the sublet is off the books, bringing it up to the landlord could result in everybody getting evicted. If it is legal, it means you two agreed on particular rental amounts, and that would be binding.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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