DEAR HARRIETTE: My dad works in human resources, specifically in diversity, equity and inclusion.
His job has been tense recently, and I have noticed that when he comes home, often he is wound up.
His way of calming himself seems to be to say all of the stuff he has held in all day long. Therefore, we get to hear him rant about the people he is working with and all of their shortcomings.
Too often, he makes disparaging comments about these people that sound downright racist or sexist or whatever the pejorative term is.
I get that he needs to blow off steam, but it is hard for me to look at people with respect sometimes when what I hear in the back of my head is my dad going off about them.
I want my dad to have his decompression time, but I also think he should know that it is negatively impacting his family. What should I say?
— Watch Your Words
DEAR WATCH YOUR WORDS: It sounds like your father is dealing with some toxic situations at work, and he believes that home is a safe space to let his guard down. Sadly, there are repercussions to his behavior, and he definitely needs to know.
During a neutral moment when your father is already calm and relaxed, tell him you want to talk to him about something important. With his blessing, share your experience of what happens when he comes home after a tough day.
Explain that his intense commentary and blow-by-blow about the encounters he has at work have a direct impact on how you view people like the ones he is criticizing.
Point out that you know your dad works hard to treat everyone with respect, but what you hear consistently is the opposite of that, and it is confusing for you. Ask him to help you to understand how to process what you observe in him as well as how one can actually deal with the issues he faces every day. This can lead to a rich conversation that will benefit you both.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a 3-year-old. Recently, we have been doing our nails together with baby nail polish (meaning it is nontoxic).
I noticed the other day that she had used the polish to paint on the wall in her bedroom. There were red streaks on the wall that could have come from her nail polish only.
I was so upset that she damaged the wall, but I did not lash out at her. I haven’t said anything yet.
How should I address this? She has to learn that she should not use the paint in this way.
— Don’t Paint the Walls
DEAR DON’T PAINT THE WALLS: No. 1: You should put the nail polish away out of your daughter’s reach when you are finished using it.
No. 2: Teach her that the polish is for nails only.
Take her to the wall and ask her if she painted it. Be neutral when you speak so she isn’t afraid to tell the truth. Hopefully she will admit it.
Either way, explain that nail polish is not for walls. It is for fingers only. It is fun to use when you use it properly. Otherwise, it is a bad idea to use it at all.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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